Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Bondsman, Plus the Weekend You Wished You Had

It’s not like I care that much about baseball. I used to care deeply, but that was before I hit puberty, and now I find it merely to be a decent diversion when I don’t have anything else to think about - which isn’t too often. Even so, I recognize that it is considered by many to be a perfect game, a microcosm of all that is meaningful in life and the universe, and whether I buy into that or not, as a USA-er I am immersed in it as a sport and a weltschmertz regardless. And since I live in San Francisco, I am now drenched in news of Barry Bonds having hit his 715th home run, a feat equaled by only one other player in the history of the game. Barry’s now number two on the all-time hit list, in a manner of speaking. But he’s taken a lot of flak lately and it’s all being revived in the light of this news. He’s on the juice, you know. It seems he’s taken steroids and has artificially enhanced his performance. He’s not a man, he’s a biomorphic creation of medical science’s evil shadow. Should we even credit his accomplishment, much less give him recognition as a great sportsman?

I am trapped into this controversy by my own sense of empathy.  Here’s a man who has accomplished something extraordinary, even if it’s not the sort of accomplishment that makes lives better or improves our planet or even makes much of a difference to me.  But he’s been working at it for a very long time, dedicating his life to it, and it may just come to pass that he’ll hit another 41 of those suckers and make it to all-time number 1 on the home run list.  And he’s getting no respect from most anybody.  That seems sad to me, and I find myself compelled to consider the equities and ask myself, is he getting what he deserves, or not?

I think he’s not.  Though it’s no sweat off my back, or whereever off of which one might sweat, I think Barry’s getting the short end of a 42 inch stick.  And since no one can stop me now, here’s my reasoning.  The first titan who needs to be considered here is the Babe - George Herman Ruth.  Ruth was and is an undisputed champion, even though he’s now officially #3 on the all-time list.  His record of 714 lifetime homers stood for nearly 4 decades, and no one came close to his accomplishments during his tenure.  He was a titan and deserves to be recognized as one.  But let’s face it: his achievements were won against a league consisting of white men from the United States.  He didn’t face anyone from the Negro Leagues, and he didn’t face anyone from any of the other nations that currently account for so many top performers.  If Bonds had been hitting only against white men from the United States, and only white men from the United States were in the field against him (which would impact pitching choices), how many homers would he have hit by now?  I bet it would be more than 715.  The Babe, for all his greatness, played on a radically uneven field, and his record deserves an asterisk for that reason.

Which brings us to Hammering Hank Aaron, who reached 755 by the end of his career.  Hank started in the Negro Leagues and fought his way to national prominence in the face of racism and bigotry.  His power and grace, even under terrible pressure, are beyond question.  He was the very last of the Negro Leaguers to play in the “majors.” And by the end of his career, there was even a smattering of Dominicans, Puerto Ricans, El Salvadoreans, and even the occasional Mexican playing alongside or against him.  He earned every accolade he received, and more.  And he did it, we’re pretty sure, without performance enhancing drugs.  Barry Bonds didn’t - he reached #2 with the assistance of Balco’s Little Helper, the “cream” and the “clear.” Why should we mention them in the same breath? 

First, Barry is playing in a truly internationalized league.  I don’t mean those weirdo Canadian teams - I mean that the players who are coming from the far East, from Latin and South America, from everywhere the game is played.  More foreign-born players are at the top of the game than ever before.  I must imagine that, the broader the pool of players, the deeper the range of talent.  Performance, on a purely technical level, has improved.  And therefore, the game is harder today than it was before. 

But let’s look a little deeper.  Barry is not the only player accused of juicing.  Many sluggers are enmired in the same issue, and so are many pitchers.  Hank Aaron didn’t face pitchers who were steroid-enhanced monsters, hurling pitches at consistently higher speeds, fielding with ever-decreasing reaction times.  If Barry was the only one to be drugging himself, I’d agree that he had an unfair advantage.  But the field is still comparatively even today, because the drug scourge is so damn common.  When so many players are juicing, the advantage fades from a competitive edge to merely remaining competitive, at some level.  I don’t think we should be giving Barry a pass on any illegal doping he may be guilty of - but given the realities of the game he’s playing, he shouldn’t be deprived of recognition on that basis.  He’s playing a tougher game against tougher, stronger, more doped-up competition.  I take my hat off to him.  He deserves full credit for what he’s done. 

This sports-rant has come courtesy of a long, delightful weekend that I got to spend with
Tara, Phil, and the Natelet.  For three days straight we didn’t turn on the television or get into the car - except to buy groceries.  I made pancakes, and bacon, and Chilean corn-and-meat pie with a huge “leche asado”
imageflan

for dessert, and grilled black-forest ham sandwiches with jalepeno jelly, and overall we
imageate ourselves into a stupor

on a regular basis.  We visited the
imagemuseum

and the
imagebeach

and the conservatory of flowers, and
imagelounged

and laughed and let the
imagemunchkins

get to be good friends.  I’ll have some sort of more typical Chucklisms coming up later in the week.  Hope you had enough fun since Friday to last you to the next one, too....
image

it was like this when I got here at 10:46 AM
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Thursday, May 25, 2006

Choose Your Poison

I’ve long enjoyed eating a strange British breakfast cereal called Weetabix.  It’s a compressed biscuit of grain flakes that totally falls apart in milk to the extent that, made soggy enough, you could suck it through a straw.  It’s the perfect medium for the consumption of granulated sugar.  Lately it’s been more widely available here in these States of United, and since it’s so delightfully mushy we’ve been getting it for Zachary as well as for ourselves. 

On the back of the ‘bix box (that’s kind of fun to say actually) there is a sort of contest-y thing in which consumers are encouraged to share their favorite ways of eating ‘bix.  Traditionally I’ve just poured milk over them, dumped in a few pounds of the white granule, and slorped away, but the box also identifies such curious options as trying it with yogurt and fresh fruit(s), using warm milk, using warm milk and feeding it to a baby, or slathering it with butter and jam and eating it like a cracker.  I must admit, the first of these sounds fairly pedestrian, and the second and third don’t sound too different from each other; the last one just sounds nasty – and the photo of it doesn’t help.  It looks like it will just collapse into a dry, crumbly mass of sticky buttery crumbs in my mouth.  And if I’m going to get a mouthful of buttery crumb first thing in the a. of m., they’re going to have to make it worth my while. 

The box also invites us to check here (or here) for more ideas on alternative bix-consumption protocols, but I’ve scoured those sites and I can’t find any reference to “favorite ways to eat ‘bix.” They do tell me that Weetabix is chock full of “prebiotics,” and that the maximum number of ‘bix to be consumed in a day is four (which I can easily double, or triple if I’m home sick), and how old a child must be before being fed bix (they’re apparently unsuitable for those under six months of age), and what prebiotics are (it’s what Steve Austin was when he was an astronaut, before the crash and the surgeries and that unpleasantness with Oscar). 

Needless to say, though I enjoy my ‘bix, I am bitterly disappointed with this lame-ass failure to tell me more and better ways to enjoy these fascinating wads of grainy goodness.  And of course it got me to thinking of more ways I might eat my Weetabix – ways that the good people at the Weetabix Food Company LLP (Kettering, Northamptonshire, marketed domestically by Barbara’s Bakery) might not previously have anticipated.  After all, it’s been manufactured since the early ‘30s, and after such a long time you can get stuck in a stuck in a stuck in a rut.  Thusly.  So, in the interest of wasting your goddamn time as thoroughly as I’ve wasted my own, I am overbearingly proud to disgorge upon you, BETTER WAYS TO EAT WEETABIX THAN THEY TELL YOU ON THE BOX:

* Drowned in the blood of my vanquished enemies
* Sprinkled with platinum leaf, on a bed of thousand dollar bills
* Fed to me in a hot tub by a stable of mega-geishas
* From the cold metallic hand of my own personal killer robot slave
* Clandestinely injected with steroids and cereal growth hormone (CGH)
* Off the calloused knuckles of Chuck Norris’ fist
* Enriched to a weapons-grade radioactive isotope (BiX237)
* Under a cloud of unproved allegations of official misconduct
* Tossed into my mouth from just outside the three-point line, hitting nothing but tongue, baby, nothing but tongue
* During a painful and embarrassing medical procedure that’s being broadcast live to a nationwide audience
* Through my gaping glistening gills
* Lightly toasted in the furnaces of Mordor
* During re-entry into Earth’s atmosphere in my own private intergalactic spacecraft
* Sdrawkcab
* In proud defiance, with a sprinkling of poignant regret
* With a goddamn spoon.

That’s all for me today.  Good breakfast to ya.

it was like this when I got here at 05:57 AM
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Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Freaky Zoom-In Action

My good friend Charles sent me this link.  He always sees more than the average fellow; maybe this will give us an advantage next time we need such skills… enjoy

it was like this when I got here at 08:03 AM
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In light of the amazing popularity it’s garnered David Blaine to suck a tube in public for a…

Pinky and the Blaine