Tuesday, August 19, 2003

A Big Turn-Off

I’ve been thinking a bit about the blackout and how easily we overcame it.  No widespread looting, no statewide wilding, no revolution of forest creatures overwhelming suburbs and returning vast stretches of development to a state of nature.  It seems like we’re ready for the next step.  We’re all energy addicts but we got the monkey off our back for a few hours and it felt great, didn’t it?  Sure it did!  (Don’t talk back to me.) Well, now that the energy jones is licked, some areas of the country have other addictions too.  Maybe we can build on our success in dealing with the blackout to try going without some other regional favorites:

Philly: Cheeze Whiz
N’Awlins: drunken, dumpy, desultory strippers
Boston: that freaking accent
Atlanta: Ted Turner
Chicago: bratwurst consisting of fat wrapped in intestines
Milwaukee: lousy beer
Phoenix: Phoenix
Seattle: Starbunks
Hawaii: Spam (the luncheon meat)
Los Angeles: egocentrism
San Jose: Spam (electronic)
San Francisco: Burning hot summer days without a cloud in the sky.

San Francisco is participating with a nice cool foggy morning.  Come on America - Give it up!  You know you want to!  With the exercise of just a little self control, just think of all the stuff you can do without!  Of course, the real lesson we learned from the blackout is, once it’s over, your old addiction is only that much sweeter and more precious to you… oh electric lights, computer power, refrigeration and television, never leave us again…

Hold on there, boy!  I thought the “Biggest Black-out in the History of Man!” didn’t extend to CA—now, you want to horn in on the action and the title!  WTF?

Phoenix: Phoenix

ha!!!  love it!!!

I know people that will kill you for even suggesting the Philly thing.

Also, Ted Turner is crazy as a loon, so you have to respect that a little.

I know we’re a small city, but could you find it in your heart to suggest that Santa Cruz give up pseudo-intellectualism? I’d be much appreciative.

Loons, actually, are phlegmatic and saturnine… their haunted howling cries across the rush-choked marshes recalled to mind those of the irretrieveably lunatic.  But if you were, say, to be in a poker game with a loon, it would surely be a very rational and canny opponent. 

And hell yeah I want in on the blackout fallout action.  If the internet has taught me anything at all (and it hasn’t), it’s that I can glom onto anything and act as if it’s my very own.  In fact, I may already be a winner!

I would be happy to demand that anyplace give up anything that anyone requests.  Except for “Hamburgers/LA” and “Burritos/SF”.  We need to maintain a sense of perspective here.  We’re trying to help, people.

VA: pea

can France give up, you know, franceishness?  because i bet a lot of foreigners would really prefer it that way.

romy:  thanks for bringing up the french thing.

we (meaning bill) golfed (i rode with him in the cart) behind a french man today.  do the french ALL talk so loud on a golf course is what i want to know.  you know, like is it normally LOUD on a golf course in france?

Ok man, most people from Boston do not have the accent.  Most of the neighborhoods where people do have the accent aren’t even technically part of Boston, like friggin Revere.  Don’t lump them in with those of us who grew up in the city and speak perfectly normally.

great work, “represent.” Admitting it’s a problem is the first step to recovery.  And for the record, I grew up in the SF Valley and every few months I’ll let rip a “totally” or a “dude” that is so totally val, dude....

stacey - the french are normally not a population known for its volume in public.  in fact, if i had to pinpoint any national population that is so known, i would have to limit myself to the top 3:

3.  italians
2.  algerians
1.  americans

the french don’t tend to be especially loud.  americans, on the other hand, can just about break glass when they say (boom) “HELLO!!” or “DON’T YOU HAVE ANY ICE CUBES??”

the french, on the other other hand, are known for their snappishness and imaginative take on bathing.  the double-cheeked kiss is de rigueur but sometimes it requires holding your breath for the proximity.