Friday, February 27, 2004

Atto Boy!

Time flies when you slice it thin enough.  I heard on the radio yesterday that physicists at the good ol’ UK National Physics Lab (Go, BritNerds!) have started tracking the movement of sub-atomic doodads (okay, electrons), measuring the time in which they react to bombardment by x-rays.  This has, in turn, obliged them to devise the attosecond - one quintillionth of a second, or ten to the power of minus 18 - making their old standard, the femtosecond (ten to the power of minus 15), the physics equivalent of a segway scooter on a formula one racetrack, or a big fat guy in a little Italian bathing suit.  Or a big fat guy in a little Italian bathing suit on a segway at a formula one racetrack.  Yeah, let’s go with that one. 

Never let it be said that I’m not on the forefront of physics research.  Really, I’ll kick your ass in a femtosecond.  (See how this stuff comes all natural-like to me?) Cogitating on these developments (which I listened to with a demi-ear as I did yoga while the radio played in the background), I decided to do my own theoretical research in my lab, known to locals as the Greater Electron Attoscopic ResYrch 38L (or the Geary 38 Limited).  In the course of my work, the following obvious sub-divisions of time presented themselves to me in orderly and obvious fashion.  I now offer them to the scientific community so they can be used to measure cool stuff and take weird colorful photographs. 

I will recognize ab initio the valuable contribution of Rich Hall, whose sniglet “ignosecond: the duration of time required to realize, after closing the locked car door, that the key is in the ignition,” will live forever in my embarassed memory.  And that’s all I’m saying about that.

* Dorkosecond: the duration of time required to make a total ass of yourself.
* Munisecond: the duration of time required to realize you missed your stop and start freaking out to the busdriver.
* Pradasecond: the duration of time required for that little purse to go out of style.
* Gaposecond: the duration of time required to realize your clothes have fallen open and you’re flashing the guy across the bus from you.
* Gapeosecond: the duration of time permitted for checking out the inadvertent flasher across the bus aisle from you before she covers herself up.
* Briscosecond: the duration of time required to get sucked into another damned syndicated episode of Law and Order.
* Bloggosecond: the duration of time spent visiting random on-line journals when you figured you’d just quickly check email and then log off again.
* Winceosecond: the duration of time elapsing between doing something you know is going to hurt, and actually feeling the pain.
* Stankosecond: (similar to winceosecond) the duration of time elapsing between becoming aware of something that will surely have an unpleasant odor, and actually smelling it.
* Chuggosecond: the duration of time elapsing between being ordered to “consume” and slamming the empty glass back down on the tabletop.
* Barfosecond: the duration of time elapsing between becoming aware that reverse peristalsis is imminent, and actual emesis. 
* Wankosecond: (research is inconclusive but ongoing)

I think if I went any farther the professionals in the field would start to get resentful, so I’ll leave it at this.  Physicists can be so catty sometimes.

Briscosecond - brilliant. Law & Order junkie that I am - I always knew there had to be a measure for that.

Shagosecond- The amount of time it takes to realize that the sound you just heard is the door opening and your child catching you in the act!

cellosecond - the time, usually in the middle of (a) church, (b) a meeting for work, or (c) a movie, that it takes to realize you’ve forgotten to turn the ringer off on your mobile phone.

windosecond - the time it takes to lose an entire new document when your computer gets a message from the mother ship and reboots.

danosecond - the time lapse between clicking onto the chucklehut and finding yourself caught up in the writing.

(yeah, ok, i’m a kiss-ass.  ;) )

Romy, I used to play the cello, so I’m proposing a second definition for your first term: the duration of time between picking up an instrument you used to play and realizing you can’t play for shit anymore.

BRISCOSECOND!!! i am *such* the L&O junkie!! i’m really missing it here in spain!  if they showed it with catalan overdub, i’d still watch it!!!

i dunno if you watch reruns of the show on TNT, but they do this thing that truly illustrates the shortness of the briscosecond.  they minimize the closing credits of the first rerun episode while running the beginning of the next one on top, so that there is no beginning and no end.  you can’t even run to the loo....it’s that fast!

Prada NEVER goes out of style. But IF it did you simply have to wait 20 years and it’ll make a comeback. ie. Bell bottoms and toe socks.

My addition to the list…

Snorkosecond: The length of time between taking a drink of your beverage and realizing you’re about to snorkle it out through your probiscus instead of simply chuckling.

So funny. My questions is: why in the hell do they need to measure something that damned fast???

nikita, i would call that the pianosecond.  but yeah, point taken.  ;)

I’m more interested to know why those guys think that I believe that the “photo” they took is an electron zinging about.  That’s the picture of the tie-dyed sheet that hung on our apartment wall while I was in law school that I wanted people to believe was “art.”

These damn physicists ...

nikita, I"m so glad I’ve got someone to share a cellosecond with.  I was actually reading this in yet another bloggosecond.