Friday, May 21, 2004

AutoResponse

I was chatting with P-tricia a few months ago and she mentioned something that stuck in my head - that there are things people start to say, that her brain finishes for her - regardless of what is really being said.  “Sew.. buttons.” “See ya later… alligator.” I knew exactly what she was talking about, too.  My brain is filled right up with these kind of call-and-response reflexes.  It occurred to me when I saw Judy‘s post about seeing the phrase “Native Dancer Lane” and she read it as “Tiny Dancer Lane.” Putting aside what I accidentally thought it said, I have struggled through the past several days choking the mawkish Sir Elton-in-my-mind as he incessantly sings that cloying little refrain. 

But that’s not really what Pea had been talking about.  She’d been talking about situations where someone gives you the first part of a phrase and I complete the phrase in my mind no matter what they meant to say.  I’ve taken a little time to inventory a few of these as they presented themselves to me during the course of various conversations, and I now humbly unveil the following list of THINGS MY BRAIN FINISHES SAYING EVEN WHEN I ASK IT POLITELY NOT TO:

They say...... And I say:
* Have you seen: the muffin man (one of my first favorite songs, along with “Downtown,” which still feels nostalgic but doesn’t make my brain sing along to it anymore)
* Everything’s better: when it sits on a ritz.  (This was an Andy Griffith commercial, back when he was still recognized by most television watchers.  Now it would probably have to be Keifer Sutherland and he’d scare people.  And did anyone else think, when Andy would say “good cracker… good cracker,” he was talking about some of those weird southern hick neighbors he had on that amazingly repressed show?)
* Don’t take the car: you’ll kill yourself.  (This was a key line in a terrible commercial from when I was an impressionable youth.  I’ve been known to howl it at near-strangers who mention this initial phrase in private conversations within earshot of me.)
* It takes two hands: to handle a whopper.  (I get lots of mileage out of this one, but I have to watch where I use it.  As is true for so many things.)
* That’s all right: I’ll sit in the dark.  (I learned this one from the 2013-year-old man, and I use it to death.  The funny thing is, I, personally, like to sit in the dark.)
* Look at me: I’m Davy Crockett!  (This is drawn from a source so profound and significant that I had to be very strict with myself not to use too many lines from it in this post.  But anyone who doesn’t know where this comes from, needs help and fast.  This isn’t rocket science, people!)
* I’ve got a hankering: for a spankering.  (Same source, different episode.  I’m surprised how often I hear people say they “hanker” for something, and it takes great strength and willpower not to just start spankering them on the spot.  God knows some of them deserve it.)
* Good Morning: time to get up and go to work.  (This is from a Beastie Boys song; Kel and I are both stuck with this one on “mental autoplay.")
* If you think it’s butter, but it’s not: it’s cheese.  (This was a parody of a bad commercial from around 1972, as performed by my friend Tom.  It made me laugh uncontrollably at the time and I still love it. And you’d be surprised how often the phrase “you think it’s butter but it’s not” comes up in this town.)

In addition, if anyone says something to me that breaks down as six syllables (three spondees) I automatically mentally sing it to myself to the tune of “Big Rock Candy Mountain.” And I sometimes find myself repeating the phrase, “Aye, Strappy” around the house with a terrible scottish accent, though the specific context will remain a closely-held secret.  There’s probably more, but I ran out of energy.  That’s what happens in wartime, people.  Cut me a break.

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