Wednesday, December 11, 2002

Back in July I posted

Back in July I posted this classic of my youth, but that was ironically out of season.  Now it’s harshly in season.  I’m inspired to repost it because back in July I don’t think many people were checking it out, so it’s probably still almost fresh so far as readership is concerned (yeah both of you, officer) and because of what this thoughtful spiritual leader had to say to his tender flock in jolly olde Ngland.  I heard about it on NPR this morning and it just added so much to my xmas spirit that I had to revive the shopworn but undiminished CHRISTMASTIME IN HELL:

Well you worthless rugrats did you think we’d turn the heat off?
Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten where you spend your darkened days
Your parents cannot hear you as you plead for toys and candy
You knew what you were doing when you chose your vile ways
So you remember Santa? Well down here he totes a pitchfork
Invincible and scarlet in the boiling molten air
He’ll slide right down your chimney with a tail long and pointed
But it’s you who’ll feel the fire as he baits you like a bear.
The elves! The elves, you scream, aghast, the maitre’ de steps forward
with tidbits for the demons who so revel in your pain
Your little friends are skewered, three to every plastic sabre
They are gobbled up with relish and there’s only you to blame
And all your stupid reindeer and their stench of waste and sulphur
Will join you as you suffer in the cauldrons where you dwell
A million times eternity we shower you with nightmares
Come on you yuletide maggots it is christmastime in hell

Now go shopping.  The clock tix.