Monday, November 19, 2007
badass
Viewed: Ghost Dog
Listened to: Bad Man
Purchased: awesome black coat that’s so awesome that the tough dude shopping nearby me spoke up when I tried it on and said ‘that looks good man’ and I’m totally sure he was not coming on to me
Result: pungent fiction
They weren’t making any effort to be subtle. There were two who led and five who followed, college age, not in college. One of the head guys was big, looked strong. The other one was wiry and agitated.
It was obvious to me as soon as they barrelled through the doors that I’d wind up dealing with them. It felt inevitable, like a movie, but I was in it. Things were just going to happen and I should be ready for them.
I had already gotten my food so I sat quietly at my table, eyes uninquisitive, relaxing, enjoying my tasty burger. The shop was too bright. I could keep a low profile but I couldn’t disappear completely.
The seven badass dudes swarmed the terrified counterboy and ordered a great deal of food that they clearly did not intend to eat, then started pacing around the little burgery. In short order this brought three of them to my table. I looked up from my food. “Um, hi,” I said unconvincingly.
“Yeah man hi, hi, how’zat burger man?”
“Decen-”
“Yeah man tha’s a nice coat you wearin’.”
He didn’t care about my burger. He intended to rob me. I tried not to move too much. “Yeah.”
“Yeah where you git it man,” he demanded through clenched teeth. “Sears,” I answered.
“FUCK that for a Sears coat!” The more active head guy strode over, knocked my soda off the table. “Stand up. Lemme see that coat.”
Everybody was watching, slowly gathering around me. I was going to lose the jacket. That was too bad; it was a nice one and I really liked it. Still, leaving it behind and walking away seemed preferable to the alternative.
I put my burger on the table and slowly rose to my feet. I tried not to get into any extended eye contact with anybody as I held my arms slightly out to my sides, displaying the drape of my outerwear.
“Yeah tha’s the shit, you give me that coat right now.” His voice had gone sweetly steely, like the sound of a round being chambered or a blade snapping into place. The posse had boxed me in against the wall, there was no clear path out. Crossed arms and scowls met me on all sides as I the big black coat slid from my shoulders. I let it drop into my right hand and held it out to my primary assailant. “All yours,” I whispered submissively.
“Damn right it is,” the manchild barked out triumphantly with a glance around at his crew. Smug grins hung off every face. Every face but one. It had been too easy for him. He’d stolen from me but he hadn’t dominated me, hadn’t put me in my place. I’d gone too willingly. I watched him think all this, and then I saw him decide to show his dogz how dominant he could be. Inwardly, I sighed.
He reached to grab the coat from me, pulled back his arm about halfway, and then jabbed forward again with my coat clenched in his fist as if to punch me in the face with it. That, I could not allow. A shift to the side and the punch was already misdirected; I caught his wrist with my left hand and guided his elbow with my right hand, forcing him forward. He couldn’t pull the punch; his body lifted with the force of his own attack, cleared the little table, and then slammed knuckles-first into the wall. I still had his wrist so I swung his arm back as he fell to the floor, steadying my grip with a foot between his shoulder blades, stressing every joint in his arm. His scream froze the two guys who seemed to be pulling weapons.
I let off a little on his arm so he’d be quiet enough for us to have a talk. “I’ll break your arm if this goes bad.” He jabbered to his friends to back off, but the big guy was not hearing any of that. He had a reputation to maintain. He came at me with both fat arms clenched into grappling hooks. I broke the skinny guy’s arm I at the shoulder with a sharp twist, and then took a crouching position. The big guy was heavy on his feet so when I swept his front ankle he was basically a projectile; I guided his path with one hand on his throat and one on his groin until his head connected squarely with the edge of the tabletop.
I leaped to my feet. The big guy lay where he had fallen, periodically shuddering a little. The skinny guy was rolling and thrashing on the ground, his arm extended involuntarily and unnaturally from his body. Apart from his screaming, though, the place was actually fairly quiet. I could hear the muzak again. The five backup dudes looked like they were going to be sick, and then one of them was.
I stepped over, picked up my coat, and hunkered down next to the guy with the broken arm, who was begging me not to touch him. “I don’t want to touch you. I just want to tell you how stupid you were. I gave you the coat, man. You won without throwing a punch. But you couldn’t take the gift. You had to pick a fight. You’re very lucky I didn’t kill you.”
Standing up, I announced more generally to everybody, “Let’s nobody be stupid. Nobody needs to die over this. The incident is over.” I took my coat and started walking out. It occurred to me halfway to the door that I should have grabbed the rest of my burger. I wasn’t hungry anymore, but it would have made me look like a badass.
