Monday, June 28, 2010
Beaten by a Dried Jackfruit: A Humiliating Tragedy in 30 very short Acts
Wow, that last post was excessively self-indulgent, even for me. Which reminds me of a recent snack-time gone terribly out of control. And if I’m going so far as to remember that it happened, I might as well go all the way, humiliating-admission-wise:
1. Oh look:
*
snacks for the office meeting!
2. Eh, I don’t like those snacks. I just won’t eat them.
3. Actually, that one kind
is pretty good but I choose not to eat any of them anyway. They’re probably bad for me.
4. I’ll just have this kind.
It’s the least bad for me, I’m bored, and my refusal to eat the snacks my boss brought to the meeting is verging on rudeness.
5. Actually that one wasn’t the kind I wanted. I accidentally got a really
good one that’s not so good for me, not one of the
not-so-good ones that’s okay for me.
6. Damn, that
good one was good, though.
7. I’d better go back and have
one of the kind I meant to have. It’ll even things out.
8. Wow, that kind really sucks. I’m not eating any more of these at all.
9. But that good one
was really good. Please let this meeting end soon.
10. New topic? Damn.
11. Let me just check the nutritional info. Subtly, though. I need to look like I’m paying attention. I can’t grab that bag too eagerly.
12. Oh no. These things are awful for me. Really bad.
13. Holy crap! That’s not even for the whole bag, that’s per serving - and there’s, what, how many servings?
14. Really. They leave it blank. Not a a good sign. Do I actually need to do math here?
now, how many grams per ounce, again?
15. SIX SERVINGS. Or seven. In a one-serving-size bag. DEATH ON WHEELS. No more. No way.
16. But that good one…
was soooo good..... and the lame one
was sooooo lame..... and that’s the one I can still taste....
17. I’ll just have one more to, um, clear my palate… yeah.
18. Yeah, that’s a nice clear palate. I don’t need any more. They’re bad for me.
19. Meeting over. Finally. I’m escaping this mostly-full bag of tasty, tasty, deadly snacks. Thank god.
20. DON’T MAKE ME TAKE THESE TO THE CUBE NEXT TO MINE WHERE WE PUT SNAX. I don’t think I have that kind of self-control.
21. Okay, I’ll do it. I’ll just leave them and turn around and walk away, three feet to my desk. I do so have self-control. And this will prove it.
22. Who do I think I’m kidding. I have no self-control. I’ll just take some of these
bad ones and get away while I can.
23. These
bad ones are not doing it for me. Maybe I could sneak a
good one.
24. Or two. Or so.
25. No one is around - I could take as much as I want without anybody even knowing. I’ll just, heh, clear my palate.
26. Oh god I’m completely out of control. How many times have I even been into that bag in the last ten minutes? I’ve lost count. There are crumbs all down the front of my shirt and dried fruitmush is stuck between my teeth.
27. Empty? EMPTY? How in the name of jackfruit can the bag be empty?!! I’M NOT SATISFIED! I WANT MORE UNHEALTHY FRUIT SNACKS!
28. I’ll just lick the crumbs and dust from the corners of the bag. I can’t let it go to waste.
29. Oh. My boss just saw me licking the torn-open bag. I think this is going to wind up on my annual review. Or as a blog post.
30. Probably both.
*: all photos taken with piece-of-crap phone camera. what, I should be making myself look good here? Come back next week, I’ll take a less-humiliating tack. Relatively speaking.
