Thursday, June 26, 2003

Blackies

It’s great that I get so many catalogues every freaking day.  They’re slick and slippery and give me exciting dexterity challenges when they try to slither out of my grip as I drag my tired butt up two flights of stairs after a long day mining plutonium for the State Bar.  I try to shuffle the catalogues from hand to sweaty hand to find the critical “way overdue sucker” notices from my cable provider or priest, jammed deep in the least interesting pages of the least interesting catalogues (such as those which feature nothing but sheets and towels)( for real).  As the catalogues skip and scamper in my trembling grip, I also get to drop my diskman, stub my toe, and catch the strap of my bag on the corner of the bannister.  On average, we get 2 to 3 catalogues every day, not counting duplicates.  We are a recycling-friendly household.

I was thumbing through one of these crappy catalogues recently when I saw an item that seemed poorly named, though I’d been using that name for quite a long time myself without self-examination.  Khakis are pants, right?  Actually, no - and I knew that, too.  It’s an urdu word that entered our benevolent language in around 1855 during the salad days of the British involvement with Pakistani and Indian matters ("colonialism" is such a loaded word).  My Oxford Universal Dictionary therefore defines “khaki” as “dust-colored, dull brownish yellow.” By 1863 the word had been converted to a nominal form, referring to clothes made of such material: since the British Army could not possibly keep its white uniforms properly colorless in the filth of their occupation, they just made clothing to match the dust stains that would invariably form on whatever they were wearing. 

So: today I will be wearing khakis - dust-colored tan pants.  It’s gonna be hot, and I’ll dress the part.  (These are flattering and comfortable trousers.) However, many of the catalogues being maliciously delivered to my house these days are offering “khakis” in colors.  You can get blue khakis, black khakis, olive drab and hempforest green.  BUT THEY’RE NOT KHAKIS.  They are “pants.” Or “trousers.” Maybe “enclosed bifurcated conjoined leggings.” To call them khakis when they’re not khaki is like calling that green thing in the front of the classroom where the teacher writes with chalk a “blackboard.” Or to name that show “Entertainment Tonight” when it’s really “late-afternoon pabulum.” It just doesn’t fit.  Unlike my pants.  Because the pants are dusty yellow.  See how that works?

I don’t have a solution to this problem.  I just like to complain.  However, in the interest of giving people something to do with their mouse-clicking fingers other than the obvious, here’s a link to a really good shop that will send you a catalogue if you ask for one that’s worth the effort to bring it up from the mailbox.  Go with god.  See what kind of catalogues he gets.

DAMMIT, i know it.

they also used to say “go in the khaki” meaning, enlisting in the army…

but now kahkis are made from the same material, so they dye the material...and call it khaki

Terra Cotta - same thing. Or opposite actually. When my mother asks me to hand her the terra cotta pot while she’s gardening, I explain to her that the pot is actually plastic and that terra cotta is a kind of clay, not a color, so she should ask me to hand her the plastic pot that is the same color as a terra cotta clay pot but costs a great deal less. This is when she usually hits me with her trowel. I don’t think I’ll mention the blue khakis she’s wearing.

YES! YES! YES! You understand me!  I’m not alone! More power to the linguistically alert!  “Umbrella” means little shadow!  “Toilet” means a cloth cover placed on a cabinet where one keeps cosmetics!  Nothing means anything!  Total freedom!  I mean, within reason.  Watch out for those soldiers and trowels.  Weapons and gardening are a dangerous combination.  Ask the guy who invented the exploding garden weasel.

I’ve always thought of khakis as brownish-yellowish pants.  If I heard someone refer to blue khakis, I’d probably stroke out.

if you start some sort of khakis-must-be-khaki movement, can you also tell people to stop calling navy things “denim”?  i’m not linguistically alert, i’m just a fashion snob.  or i would be, if i were fashionable.

Kate you are so right!  “Denim” is fabric in the style made popular in the french town of Neimes, or Niemes, or whatever; it was sturdy and popular with the army’s tentmakers in france and later in the u.s.  Levi Strauss used this tent fabric to make his famous pants.  “Jeans” refers to fabric from Genoa, Italy, also sturdy fare for outdoor labor.  So Denim Jeans means French-Italian work fabric.  It has nothing to do with the color.  Can’t we all just get along and use the right goddamn word to describe what the hell we’re talking about?  Good!  I thought so!

wait.  go back.  your priest bills you?  and it comes overdue?  holy crap.  (no pun intended).

maybe you need to pick out a new spiritual guide.  they should *definitely* have a catalog for that.

i knew my son was not really meant to play high school hockey when one of the assistant hockey coaches (a damned lawyer—who should know better) told me snottily that he didn’t appreciate matt correcting him in front of the other kids.  he said, “what are you inferring?” and matt said “don’t you mean implying?” idiot.  don’t get me started on this kind of crap.  you just keep doing it.  much better than i could.  but here’s my assignment: 

very unique (or somewhat unique)-- arghhhhh

canceled is spelled here in the u.s. just the way i typed it there.

judgment—only one e—see? 

do you know people who say death instead of deaf?  what is up with THAT? 

ok, that ought to keep you busy.

yet tragically I frequently get the spelling ones wrong.  and now I’m wondering about the kind of world where an atty is working as asst h.s. hockey coach.  Too many questions about that, and not enough room in my brain at the moment.

"Suppos-ably” you can call to have your name deleted from the catalog senders. But, then I noticed after I did that several times, now they just come in triplicate.
I begged the post office to do something about this, I did. They put up recycling bins.