Thursday, May 29, 2003

Calling All Clowns: Go Somewhere

Calling All Clowns: Go Somewhere Else and Start Eating Healthy

You like clowns?  Me neither.  I guess it’s because one broke into my home and tied me and my folks up for a weekend of tequila abuse and pet shaving.  I’ve just never forgiven them.  That’s why this article creeps me out so profoundly.  Clowns and protein patties: satan’s smorgasboard.  Ronald McDonald is just disturbing.  Those fry things are weird too.

Choice selections:

“The 40-year-old character will start showing up more—and in unexpected places. Maybe he’ll even perform his new dance “Do the Ronald."” Please don’t do this where people are eating - even if it’s fast food.  Even if it only claims to be food.  It’s gross enough in there as it is.

“Kids would throw rocks from the parking lot. Sometimes you would get protesters,” explains Jeff McMullen, a former Ronald, of Appleton, Wis. “Ronald can’t handle that.” Ronald is going to have to learn to take care of himself.  We won’t be around to protect his pansy ass forever.

“Ronald McDonald was the brain-clown of two people: Washington advertising executive Barry Klein and renowned Ringling Bros. clown Michael “Coco” Polakovs. At the time, Mr. Klein’s clients included a McDonald’s franchisee and a local “Bozo the Clown” television show. Mr. Klein persuaded the franchisee to run commercials on the Bozo show to reach out to children. After the kiddie show was canceled in 1963, Mr. Klein regrouped with Bozo, then played by Willard Scott, who gave the McDonald’s clown his name: Ronald McDonald...Mr. Scott, the longtime weatherman for NBC’s “Today” show, donned the first Ronald get-up that year, using a paper cup as a nose and a cardboard tray as a hat....When McDonald’s decided to make Ronald a national figure in 1966, the company dumped Mr. Scott, fearing it would be hard to find people in each market with Mr. Scott’s big build, recalls Mr. Klein. “That was a heartbreaker,” says NBC’s Mr. Scott. “I was too fat."” Too fat to represent an organization dedicated to the injestion of saturated fats and disks of seasoned arterial plaque on a bun?  Consider yourself lucky to have been dropped.  Willard, you got out by the skin of your well-worn teeth.

“To mass-produce Ronald like its burgers and fries, McDonald’s created a guide in 1972 called “Ronald and How.” The book, by longtime McDonald’s hands Roy Bergold and Aye Jaye, details everything from how to apply makeup to how to behave around children. According to someone close to the company, the book advises Ronalds “never to initiate a hug” with a child. Instead, Ronalds are to turn slightly to the left and pat the child on the back.  That’s right clownie, never touch them - in public.  Offer them free apple pies if they visit Ronald’s Grotto with you.  Just ask “Aye Jaye.” If you can get him to come out of the ball pit.  As they say.

“Another former Ronald pleaded guilty in 1998 to a charge of carrying a concealed weapon in New Hanover County, N.C., and the next year was convicted in county court of making harassing phone calls posing as a Ronald. The judge ordered him to take anger-management classes. “I’m one of the bad-boy Ronalds,” says Mr. Maggard, an actor who portrayed Ronald in the mid-’90s. “Am I a bad guy? No, I’m not a bad guy. Did Ronald get in a little trouble down there? Yes."” I don’t even want to know down “where” Ronald got into trouble.  And what’s a harassing call “posing” as “a Ronald?” Was it a videophone?  Was he threatening to take a drive thru order incorrectly, or have Jabba the Shakeslurping Hutt sit on somebody?

I’m only going back to McDonalds when they’re selling patties made out of Ronald himself - the “Pound ‘o’ Flesh,” perhaps, or “Clownie McNuggets.” Meantime, I’m perfectly happy eating flash-frozen lard-on-a-stick.  At least the stick has some nutritional value.