Tuesday, July 13, 2004
Choice Cut
The hardest part is not knowing. I can make tough decisions if I have all the information. I’ve endured pain; I’ve caused it, too. I can live in complex, compromised twilight worlds, balancing devils on the edge of a sword. If I know what is really going on, I can make an appropriate choice under the circumstances and I can live with it. It may take all my strength and will, but if I can be confident in my decision, I can withstand hell itself to carry it out.
But when I don’t know enough to choose, that’s when things break down for me. I keep reviewing what I know, hoping it will lead me to some conclusion, hoping that, with sufficient analysis, I’ll be able to see my way through the thicket. I repeat partial propositions and hanging halves of incomplete syllogisms. I think myself stupid. Then I try to choose a course of action that minimizes the downside potential - without really feeling sure what, or where, that potential is.
Sometimes I can put off making a decision till things resolve a little. Sometimes I have to decide anyway, even while dithering over half-facts and unknown consequences. Merely making the choice in such situations is wrenching. Having the confidence to live with it takes a kind of strength that beggars that required for merely enduring the consequences. It’s the difference between total committment to a known end, and resigning myself to a proposal that I hope will do less harm than good. It requires faith, not in logic and facts, but in myself. That turns out to be a lot more challenging, in the end.
