Tuesday, January 20, 2004

Cold Comfort

The block is loaded with comestibles.  My off-the-cuff recollection, just for the one block where I work, is: one italian restaurant; one japanese restaurant; one sandwich deli; one variety deli; one mediterranean take-out place; one bakery sandwich shop; two coffeehouse cafes, plus a coffee shop and two coffee stands.  We’re across the street from a food court, cattycorner to another and I can think of eight more restaurants and ten more coffeeshops within two blocks of my office door.  That’s a slightly outdated total, though.  When yet another coffeehouse cafe on the block shut its doorws a few months ago, it was not a great surprise.  Even though this place had a special feng shui tea room for ceremonies of good luck and mellowness, it was for sure they weren’t staying open thanks to my paltry purchases there.  They were usually empty, and then one day they were gone. 

Sometimes retail space sits vacant in my part of town for a while, so I was happy to see remodelling work at the erstwhile Cozy Cafe Thai Tea Spot.  But recently I saw a sign that chilled that happiness.  That sign read SUBWAY. 

This storefront is right at the end of an interior pedestrian alley that runs along the side of my building, so the tatters of the defunct Cozy Cafe were pretty much right in my face every time I walked down Main to get to work.  Now that soothing (if unsuccessful) shop has been transformed into a garrish, neon-lit prefab sandwich gorgatorium.  And it’s not like we don’t already have two Quiznos and an existing Subway within a few hundred yards’ walk.  Rather, the block teems with artisan-baked, gourmet-stuffed, thoughtfully crafted sandwiches, and plenty of drek is already available too for anyone who so desires.  Yet now this.  Another Subway Sandwich Shoppe.  It’s not just an insult to sandwiches, to restaurants - to food itself.  It besmirches the block where I work.  That’s pretty personal, Jared.  You’re taking unwarranted liberties.  I’m not going to firebomb you or anything like that (I’ll leave that to the undertrained “baker’s helpers” you have working there), but I’m disappointed that you’ve settled your portly cheeks down next to my slender organically-fed ones.  If I were you, Jared, I wouldn’t expect me to be choking down any of your six-inchers anytime soon.

Jared only has a six-incher?

(It was the burrito that made me do it. I swear!)

I have visions of two turkey slices skidding together, causing a spark and an ensuing eruption of flames, taking the whole place to the ground.

However, I must say that “gorgatorium” makes it sound rather appealing to me.

Are you sure it’s not one of those underground things like they have in New York?  I mean you could believe that for at least a little while, kind of like we’re supposed to believe the President.

I was SO gonna go for the six-inch joke, but I didn’t want to be the one to bring it down to that level. But now, since it’s already been brought, I just want you to know that you can’t go throwing those kinds of phrases around without serious repercussions.

You cannot escape the influence of Subway anywhere in America. Since that group of physician/investors took over, they are aggresively expanding the franchises.

I do a lot of high-speed turnpike driving which is bad for the nerves so I try to stay on the backroads as much as possible. One of my favorite stretches in NJ was nothing sky, cornfields and farmstands for miles. One day in November, ground was broken for a huge stone building and a sign sprang up to proclaim the first tenant: Subway. In the middle of a cornfield.

"cannot escape the influence of subway...” “one of those underground things...” this is all turning out to be much more sinister than even I had suspected.  Curse you Subway Sandwiches!  Curse you, Jared Fogel!

a subway opened in lyon last summer, and i was just homesick enough to LEAP in and fill up several of those “frequent eater” subway cards within the first couple months.

i was recently introduced to quizznos.  and, man, i’m PISSED that the quizznos mafia hasn’t taken over the french market.  that was the best franchise sandwich i’ve ever tasted.  it kicked subway’s ass all the way under the earth and back out the other side.  like, where things are upside-down.