Thursday, April 15, 2004

Cross “Perish” Off the List

So it was last year, in June, that I had a weird and asymmetrical experience getting my baggage screened in Wilkes-Barre - Scranton’s Avoca International airport, long known as the central focus of the Transportation Screening Authorities’ national security concerns as related to unauthorized transport of cheap beer and trucker hats.  I thought the situation was amusing at the time, and then they left me with an hour and a half in the waiting crypt in which to write up a hi-larious sendup of their arbitrary behavior toward me.  I posted it here. 

It was only last month that I got a response from the TSA, or from their unauthorized representatives: I am writing to ask permission to repost your blog article “Feeling Secure,” located at {location}.  I would like to post your article on my “Screeners Central” website. I am willing to include whatever appropriate attribution you require, including a link to your blog.

{name}, Screeners Central
http://www.tsa-screeners.com

I’m not sure how I missed seeing this for close to a month but last night I unearthed this message while excavating my inbox, and wrote back with magnanimous permission.  As a result, I am now not only a published author, but I have even been published by someone other than myself.  I may not be in anybody’s anthology but at least the good people who sneak other people’s illicit drugs into my luggage will know that I’m a big celebrity. 

If only I could get the same response on that article I wrote about strippers, now....  I’m sure there’s some kind of quid-pro-quo that would be of value to me.  A link to the blog has been so done already.  Anything else on offer today, my friends?

OK...if I have to strip to get into the LAX to come up for HUGFEST I will KNOW who to blame!

If not when you enter the airport, then when you enter the tiki bar.  We can’t have any repeats of “The Incident,” after all.

Oh, man ... You will now join me on that list of people they keep who get searched for every flight—

I must respectfully request that all mention of “The Incident” be struck from your blog. Oh shit, I guess by requesting the removal of references to “The Incident” I’ve brought it up once (twice) again.

They’re going to be coming after me for this. I can feel it. Is there a lawyer in the house?

there will be once I get there.  We’ll need a quick consult before things get too sloppy so I can represent your interests properly. 

“Incident.” Huh.  No harm no foul, I say.

i just checked the screener’s site to which you linked, and noticed that one can rate the entry!! 

all lovers of the chucklehut should go there and voice their opinion!!  i say it’s a 5!!!

well, congratulations, published author.  now.  what is this INCIDENT to which you all keep referring?

I get pulled aside for the “random” security screening every time, too. 

Yesterday this happened when I was not even getting on a flight - just meeting my husband, who is disabled, at the gate to help him get back to the car. 

They took my boots and my belt, which happened that day not to be decoration but to be actually holding my pants up.

So there I am, holding said pants up with one hand, and I had to tell them that I am all for the national security, but if I did as they instructed and held both arms out straight, we would be reaching new heights of, um, surveillance. 

They let me hold my arms out one at a time, although one guy looked like he wanted to argue the point.