Tuesday, March 09, 2004

Don’t Sit Here

The story was as follows: The guy was a bit unbalanced.  He hung out at the State Bar HQ a lot, trying to get someone to agree to represent him.  It seemed to make no difference to him that attorneys don’t hang out at those offices, that he’d do better in any number of other places if he was looking for a lawyer.  He just kept on returning to the State Bar, sitting in the lobby, hoping to get someone to listen to his tale of woe.  He had, apparently, gotten turned down by a lot of attorneys, and maybe he was a bit paranoid - he seemed to have a persecution complex.  I’m getting all this third hand, of course; I can only tell you what my boss told me today at lunch, and it was all a long time ago anyway.  But as she recalls, he kept on coming back and kept on not getting satisfaction. 

I guess my boss, back then, had some kind of administrative support position in a department that handled lawyer referral services.  She kept on trying to refer this guy up the chain of command to her boss, but the poor man refused adamantly, insisting in his heavy french accent, “Non, I will not speak to him, I will not speak to that man!” In the face of such recalcitrance, there was not much she could do, and she told him so.  So he’d go back to sit in the lobby for the rest of the day, waiting to find someone who could help him.

My boss eventually asked her boss, “what did you do to make him so anxious about talking to you?” Her boss looked momentarily uncomfortable but then admitted, “I told him, ‘I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but I’m part of the conspiracy against you.’” I’m going to use that line the very next chance I get.

Meantime, my mind is troubled, not with whackos taking up my oxygen and proximate space, but with having more space than I should rightly have.  Yes, I’ll explain: My bus is typically very crowded, and on a recent morning, as usual, a lot of folk were standing up in the aisle because there were not enough seats.  I was lucky enough to be seated.  As we approached downtown the woman sitting next to me got up and left.

I used to think that such behavior - getting up, just like that, turning on your heel and leaving me on the bus - was a personal slight, as if I had driven my co-rider away somehow by some impropriety or error.  That’s because I’m not just neurotic - I’m irrational, too!  Lately, though, I’m a little more comfortable with myself: I’m willing to admit the possibility that people get up and leave after sitting next to me on the bus because they need to go somewhere near where the bus, at that moment, actually is.  Merely abandoning me on the bus doesn’t necessarily mean I’m a bad person.  Accepting this has been a big step forward for me.

But that does not explain why, on this particular day, the seat next to me remained empty all the way to the end of the line. I really got self-conscious about it after several minutes elapsed and several stops came and went and several people remained standing right in front of an empty seat with which the only thing wrong was that it was next to me.  It wasn’t that people didn’t need to sit. They just didn’t want to sit near me. 

So now I have a whole new range of neurotic overresponses to this public spurning of continguity with my person.  I just can’t stand it. The sense of personal failure, repugnance and distastefulness is more than I can handle. As a result, I decided to generate a list of excellent reasons why I should want that seat next to me to stay open - why other people really shouldn’t even try sitting next to me, and should probably get up and leave if I sit next to them.  I therefore am pleased to preview: REASONS NOT TO TAKE THE SEAT NEXT TO ME ON THE BUS

* Mysterious Stain
* Scowling Blogger
* Soccer Hooliganism
* Need the Space for a Fashion Shoot
* Police Tape - Crime Scene
* Smoldering Waste (see “scowling blogger")
* Interferes with Proton Accelleration Experiment
* Yoga Postures Require Me to Stretch Out Over Multiple Seats
* Need Room for IV Stand
* Seat Cursed by Beelzebub
* Exotic Dancer Requires Both Pole and Bench Access

With a list like this, I can’t imagine the seat next to me ever being empty.  No one but me would think that’s a good thing, but really, look at how I fret when it’s otherwise.  I need to make things easy for myself, even when that means getting cozy with an anxious muttering weirdo on the bus.  Think of it this way - we’ll have so much in common.

Radiation still visibly emanating from your body.
Seat clearly marked “ground zero.”
Possible “lefty/righty” conflict while turning newspaper pages.
Audible nose-whistling a real bother.

hideous odor

An empty bus/plane seat is a blessing for me. But you could always chalk it up to needing the space for yor massive aura.

thanks sis, you could always turn a personal crisis into a hallmark moment.  In fact, don’t they have a card just for this - “sorry you’re paranoid, but at least you reek?”

Just a while ago you posted about everyone being attracted to you and reacting to you positively.  This is a very manic depressive blog.  I’m feeling very, very depressed right now.  Very, very...ooooh!  Clouds!

i was gonna send you that card, but now i guess i won’t.

Next time, one might consider leaping up immediately after seat-mate exits bus, and glaring at said seat with a mix of loathing and fear, refusing to sit again. At the very least this action would give other passengers something to think about and you would just look like another one of the whackos rather than the guy no one wants to sit next to, despite the fact that he seems perfectly normal.

I’m sure it was really just that big head of yours, you know, the one in which you house your big brain.  It’s obvious that you are one of those big brain people.  Too intimidating for the little brain people to be so close to you.

- The guy talking to the empty chair clearly wants to be alone.
- I don’t want to sit on that guy’s doll.
- Is that the french guy from Ronin?  Creepy.

I could have sworn you were not going to use the “Action Stick” from before??? Perhaps, you really should throw that away. Just a thought.

Is the bus still moving when these people next to you get up to get off the bus?  If so, I would consider wearing different cologne.

Also, do you have a twitchy arm palsy that causes you to slap the person in the seat next to you?  Cuz that is off-putting.

I do get a little slappy but only in the most charmingly provocative way.  Sometimes I even use a featherduster.  The bus is sometimes moving when they get up, but it’s almost always stopped when they actually walk out the door.  Too bad really, that might make for a good story also.

I didn’t mean you STUNK ding dong! I meant you have such a positive air about you - it radiates all around you. Jeesh.

Oh, and Miss Bliss totally just reminded me of Kurt Vonnegut’s Galapagos. I’d rather be a big brain any time. I’m not too fond of having furry children.