Monday, July 28, 2003
DRUG FREE AND PROUD
It’s been a while since I got back but I’ve been a bit too busy to catch you all up on all the fun I had in PA. My focus tonight is the article in the Citizens’ Voice newspaper from July 21, under the headline: “FUN: Kids Will Have A Lot To Do This Week During Drug-Free Festival.”
Wow, I’m already sorry I had to leave. I bet those kids had even more fun than they did at the previous week’s “Drug Abuse Festival” (or “Orgy"). But let’s not be presumptuous. Let’s see what the article actually says, and overwhelm ourselves with the drug-free fun. The items that follow in quotation marks are ACTUAL QUOTES from the newspaper (unless otherwise noted).
“The festival’s theme is ‘Recreate as We Educate.’ (That’s ‘recreate’ as in ‘recreation.’)”
Okay, good. Actual re-creation would be too much fun even for a drug-free child. You know they’d probably create something with drugs in it anyway, and that would defeat the whole purpose. Damn drug-addled kids, creating all those mind-polluting pharmaceuticals. Just let’em recreate, and leave the creation to the professionals. Like God, Sandoz labs and the DEA.
“The celebration begins Wednesday night with a Drug-Free Community Forum at the Kingston Armory. There will be a free [dan’s note: not drug-free] barbecue afterward.”
- Because otherwise it wouldn’t sound like fun. But once an ex-junkie and a cop have worn me and each other out with mutual agreement and plenty of repressive advice, I’m gonna want to share a weiner with them. And it seems like there will be no shortage of weiners at this shindig.
“The Drug-Free Parade begins at 10 am. It includes a wide range of entries, including police delegations, veteran’s groups, fire trucks and ambulances.”
Yup, that about covers it. The sad old days of parades with floats, horses, marching bands, and roming clowns are happily behind us. Just send a bunch of cops and veterans down the street and the world will turn out to gape. (The ambulances must be involved because some of those veterans are pretty old.) And I’m thinking they had better be screening those vets. A few of the boys who came back from ‘Nam, Grenada and that cool base near Amsterdam are not exactly paragons of the drug-free lifestyle.
“Ambrosino [CEO of local Alcohol and Drug Services], who is also scheduled to go into the dunk tank, said this is partly so people ‘can see some of us as average guys and gals...’”
Some of them are average. And some of them aren’t. And the dunk tank is the catalyzer that will show us which of those guys and gals are just a little more than average. Especially if it’s a warm day. I’m still not sure that there wasn’t a typo in that paragraph, anyway. Isn’t there an “r” missing from “dunk tank?”
“True to the festival’s purpose, there will also be finger printing for children by the US Secret Service, drug search dog demonstrations, and a mock car collision complete with helicopters.”
Wow, how purposeful! When I was a tyke I loved fingerpainting. Oh, check that - finger printing. That sounds like a lot more fun. At least I know that the Secret Service is keyed in on the important stuff, and they’re leaving petty matters like guarding the President to, I don’t know, a bunch of elementary school art teachers with pots of watercolors? - I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. I’m just glad I know. And a mock car crash with helicopters - that’s good thinking. I see at least one of those chopper-vs-chevy accidents every week. You can’t start too early to train children not to fly helicopters under the influence of drugs.
“The Childrens’ Area will feature a coloring contest, face painting, and a chance to try on goggles showing what it is like to be intoxicated.”
OMG. They actually have a pair of Beer Goggles. Now I really wish I had been able to attend. Get myself all painted up, slap on some beer goggles and color some stuff. It sounds like most of the Grateful Dead parking lot experiences I’ve had, which were the last drug-free festivals I was able to attend. In that the drugs were free. I’m glad the old ways are returning to enlighten a new generation of americans. And now, with helicopters! Kids today have all the advantages.
