Monday, April 19, 2004

Even Losers can be Weiners

I just got a disturbing email.  It begins, “I’m a web master, and I was just searching Google for suitcase weiner. I found your domain, chucklehut.thalysman.com ranked 4, which is pretty cool.” She goes on to suggest that we should trade links, she won’t steal my business, and I think there was something in there about a candlelit dinner on an elephant howdah.  I may have actually been hallucinating during that portion of the email, but let’s concentrate on the key issue: I was searching google for suitcase weiner and the Chucklehut is ranked #4 - which is pretty cool.

Okay lady, you were googling “suitcase weiner?” Right away I form questionable impressions of you.  Everyone knows weiners are carry-ons.  It’s also worth mentioning that I have never used the phrase “suitcase weiner” until today.  Not even on a dare.  Why google associates me with this linguistic and anatomical aberration, I cannot say.  But now that I’m in the game, I intend to win it, goddamn it. 

So, you were looking for a “suitcase weiner” and google listed the ‘hut as #4, eh?  I’m assuming there were more than four options, and that you checked 1 through 3 first.  I think the point here is, I was out of medal contention, and now you’re saying “that’s cool.” Well it’s not cool, it totally sucks.  I may not know much about “suitcase weiner,” or if I do I’m not saying, but being number 4 is about as cool as discovering a big yogurt stain on my crotch after making a lengthy stand-up presentation to a roomful of my mother’s friends.  Four is an inherently weak and shifty number and I’ll thank you not to remind me of it.  However, in the interest of moving on with my life, I would like to think that, after this post, the Chucklehut will be Number One in Suitcase Weiners henceforward. 

I will, however, mention that for a while I wanted to name my band (which does not exist) the Weiner Boys; our first album would be “Weiner Takes All.” The whole weiner concept was altered for me by Elvis Costello in “Straight to Hell.” So I’m not feeling emasculated by the weiner references.  I’m just kind of hoping that the suitcase is one of those hardsided ones.

I get the same thing. I get somewhere around 2-15 hits a day for the word “webtease” which I have never used. In fact, Google has somehow pasted phrases or words together to get this. You probably used suitcase and weiner in the same post. Or, did you ever win a suitcase? :)

That doesn’t in any way diminish the fact that this woman’s search is rather disturbing - basically because I can’t begin to fathom what a suitcase weiner might actually BE. Let us know how the dinner goes.

sorry, dan, i just googled “suitcase weiner” and you’re not even in the top 10.  foiled again!

I just googled it, and you’re #2 now. The #1 actually came up “weiner suitcase”, and is somewhat disturbing.

Though if you google it in quotes, yours is #1

P.S. I find that Google frequently pulls words out of multiple posts, so if one post contains “weiner” and one post includes “suitcase” Google will turn up a search result. Hence, suitcase weiner.

This is what I came up with:
... I’m gonna want to share a weiner with them ... then an unexpected instruction: to haul my own suitcase to another ...

Apparently both words can be found on your archive page for July 2003. (can you tell I’m both a nerd and trying to fill up the last few minutes of my workday without actually working?)