Friday, August 01, 2003
Exerpt in Lieu of Authentic Creative Impulse
On my way to Riverside and LA this weekend to see my parents. It’ll be a whirlwind trip of about 900 miles, and the air conditioner compressor on the soob is busted so the AC’s not getting cold. Luckily most of our driving will be at night. In fact, despite a few frustrating coincidences of timing relating to this trip, I’m a damn lucky guy. I’ve touched on this theme before but it bears repeating. And just yesterday I got TWO TWO TWO cd’s from geniuses both hither and yon, to the which I’m enjoying the hell out of listening, plus a critically needed packet of extremely tasty and generously proportioned cookies.
I have a lot of work to do today. Since I’ll be gone for a while and that pirate joke was starting to wear thin for me, here’s a bunch of crap I wrote a while ago. Consider it an exerpt, if that makes life more meaningful to anybody.
EXT FRONT DOOR OF FLANGE’S APARTMENT BUILDING – DAY
Flange is pressing the intercom buzzer. BRUNO’S voice answers:
BRUNO
What?
FLANGE
(confused)
What?
BRUNO
What, already? Waddaya want?
FLANGE
I’m looking for Moira Flapgate?
The volume of the intercom lowers as it picks up a conversation in the room:
BRUNO
He’s looking for you.
MOIRA
Well, who is it?
BRUNO
I dunno.
MOIRA
Shit, Bruno, are you always this stupid? Goddamn it, gimme the buzzer. Who the hell is this?
FLANGE
Moira?
MOIRA
Aw, crap, it’s you. Waddaya doing here?
FLANGE
Moira, I got robbed. He stole my keys. It was horrible. I only just got untied. Who’s that guy? Please let me up.
MOIRA
Um, okay, but you know you don’t live here anymore?
FLANGE
What?
MOIRA
Yeah, this ain’t your apartment anymore. But come on up if you gotta. For a second.
The buzzer honks and Flange enters the building.
CUT TO:
INT APARTMENT BUILDING LOBBY—DAY
Flange presses a button for the elevator: a loud grinding sound tells us it’s broken and he starts up the stairs.
CUT TO:
INT APARTMENT BUILDING HALLWAY, DAY
Flange knocks on the door to the apartment. It opens; the man who assaulted him is inside, very much at home. The place is a little cleaner and Moira is wearing cheap-n-slutty clothes. Flange shrieks with recognition.
BRUNO
Hey, man, sorry about your head.
FLANGE
Sorry… sorry… what is this? What are you doing here? Moira, watch out! This man is a criminal! He hit me on the head! He stole my case! Where is my case, you… you… you…
BRUNO
Yo, calm down, “Flange.” I don’t have it. I sold it. And when I came to check out your place to see if you had anything worth more than ten bucks, I found…
MOIRA
He found me, Flange. Finally, someone found me. Someone caring and gentle and decent came looking for me.
FLANGE
Decent? Caring? He left me tied up for two days! This guy is a sociopath!
BRUNO
Sociopath? Hey, don’t use that fucking language in my house, you dickless ball of dogsnot!
MOIRA
Yeah, don’t you use that language around here! This is Bruno’s place now, and rule number one is you better treat him with some respect from now on!
BRUNO
And rule number two is, get your lame ass out of here before I use it to sharpen my knife, numbnuts!
FLANGE
What—Moira, why is this happening? What did I do to make you leave me? Wasn’t everything going fine? What happened?
MOIRA
I’ll tell you what happened: Nothing! You’re a big nothing, you don’t do nothing, you ain’t worth nothing, and you are going nowhere! You and your ‘watch me get lucky’ deal. I’ve watched, okay? And nothing happens! I’d have better luck getting a job myself! So I’m getting you out of here, Flange, and now I’m gonna live like Cleopatra! Right, Bruno?
BRUNO
Yeah. Who?
MOIRA
Bruno, Flange and me have to talk for a second. Could you give us a moment of privacy?
BRUNO
Yeah, sure, sugarpuss.
He starts to leave the apartment; she stops him.
MOIRA
No! Not that much privacy. Just stand over there.
She points to an area about six feet away, in the middle of the living room. Bruno goes there obediently, turns, glowers at Flange and cracks his knuckles.
MOIRA
Okay, Flange, I know that you think we had lots of great times, but we didn’t. Okay? That belief of yours is totally wrong. You were like a giant lead weight around my neck, and I only realized what a drag you were after you were gone. So I’m making a new life for myself, and if you care for me at all, you’ll be happy for me. Cuz I’m happy for me. Aren’t you happy for me?
FLANGE
Not really, no.
Bruno leans forward protectively.
BRUNO
Hey…
FLANGE
Okay, okay, I’m happy for you. I’m happy that you threw me out of my own apartment. I’m happy you don’t want me around any more. It’s great to hear that I ruined your life and that I’m a burden to those I love. In fact, this is probably the best day of my whole life. Can I get my things out of here before he starts hitting me again?
MOIRA
Bruno wouldn’t hurt a fly. I can’t believe you’d lie about him like that. You’re such a bitter man, you know that? Why are you so bitter?
FLANGE
I don’t know. Can I just get my stuff?
MOIRA
You want your stuff?
FLANGE
Yes, please.
MOIRA
Well, it’s gone.
FLANGE
Gone where?
MOIRA
Up in smoke.
FLANGE
Did Bruno sell my things?
Bruno advances, maligned.
BRUNO
Hey…
MOIRA
No, Bruno did not sell your things. There was nothing left to sell. I was burning a little incense and, well, oopsie…
Moira opens the bedroom door and reveals a charred pile of wood and clothes; Flange’s dresser has burned up completely, leaving a scorch on the wall but no other damage.
FLANGE
Oh, no. This is impossible. Okay, I’ll just get my coat and suitcase.
He opens the closet and similar damage is seen on his half of the closet. Bruno speaks from the other room.
BRUNO
Yeah, clean that crap up, I gotta put something in there tonight.
Flange goes to a nightstand and pulls open the drawer. The contents have been incinerated.
FLANGE
What happened here?
MOIRA
Oh, I decided to try smoking in bed, and I accidentally set fire to your stuff. Was there anything important in there?
FLANGE
What difference does that make now? What happened in the closet?
MOIRA
Oh, yeah, I have no idea. What a mindblower, hey? I mean, I got like no idea what happened in there. It’s just like, poof, and all your shit is gone! Right?
BRUNO
(chuckling)
Right.
MOIRA
So waddaya waiting for now?
FLANGE
Nothing, I guess. I’ve got nothing left but my high school…
Flange goes to get the diploma and sees four thumbtacks stuck to the corners of a rectangular scorch mark. He looks accusingly at Moira.
MOIRA
Sorry…
Flange hangs his head and walks out the door, which closes behind him.
