Monday, January 12, 2004

Getting Mushy

Last week one of my favorite bloggers put up a post that was, frankly, opinionated and harsh.  Now, I’ve grown used to some strong opinions being voiced on the internet, and sometimes I even agree with them - but this time I was just shocked.  The subject of this rant was the humble, well-meaning mushroom.  I’ve mentioned in passing, on occasion, a few foods I don’t like to eat, and why, but I’ve never gone so far as Greg did to malign a member of the vegetable kingdom.  Over the past few days I’ve returned in my mind to his cruel disparagements, again and again, wondering how such an ostensibly reasonable person could lash out so visciously at these cheerful little denizens of the forest floor.  In the final analysis, I can only imagine that he’s been misinformed.  I therefore take it on myself to share the following ten reasons why mushrooms are really okay, and I hope that they make some dent in his negative mindset.  Otherwise, I’ll be forced to take more drastic measures, like forgetting about the whole thing. 

* Not actually mushy, but sufficiently roomy.
* Useful for providing seating to hookah-smoking caterpillars, who abound in local woodlands and clearly need to take a load off their numerous feet.
* When dried, can also be used as weapons.
* They giggle when you pee on them.
* The world’s largest living thing is a fungus, and it’s always smart to make friends with the big boys.
* Hallucinogenic. (Potentially.) (In your face, space coyote!)
* Once when my dad was cross-country skiing in the Trinity Alps, a thunderclap caused an avalanche that buried him and could have killed him, but he was saved by a family of mushrooms who rescued and sheltered him till the spring thaw, during which time they taught him their dances and mythology (or “mycology").
* They grow, like the lotus, from decay, but they’re not caught up with all that buddhist crap.
* Gives you the opportunity to talk about fairy rings without offending anybody.
* Provides me with unfettered opportunity to eat entire pizza as against Greg.

Damn, now I’m hungry.  Time to go out foraging.  Of course, where I work, I’m more likely to forage up a papaya and chicken salad or a burrito or a cheesesteak.  But those cheesesteaks go great with grilled mushies.  I’m just saying.

Now lists of ten items are always amusing but I think you’re up to writing an Ode to Mushrooms!

yeah, that winter when dad went missing was a drag....but he sure had some great stories when he was “rescued”!!

mushies rule!

hilarious.  i needed that laugh.  after YEARS of coaxing him to just TRY mushrooms at home, eldest son called me from college one weekend to tell me that he had “discovered” mushrooms.  he actually said to me:  “do you know what mushrooms would be great on?—PIZZA!”

And let’s not forget the eleventh reason* - muchrooms are fun-guys!

*albeit grammatically incorrect

Ummmm Mushrooms aren’t actually a member of the vegetable kingdom, but I agree they’re tasty. I do not even want to know how you know that they giggle when you pee on them. Must be a new fetish I’ve not heard of yet. Note to self: check into fungi watersports. As a buddhist I will, of course, turn the other cheek on your “buddhist crap” comment.

Don’t tell Greg, but I’m on your side.

"i am only a memory.  i can’t provide you with any new information.”

I love “They giggle when you pee on them” - great visual.

Jo - I, too, identify more with buddhism as a world approach than with any other “religious” structure; I consider myself a “ju-bu” and my wife doesn’t even do the “ju” part.  We’ve got an Amida tangka in the living room and a zabuton for sitting zazen on those chilly mornings.  But I’ve just seen a big exhibit of Korean art with dozens of beautiful tangkas of bodhisattavas standing around posing on lotus blossoms and I only saw one mushroom, depicted as a symbol of longevity.  I thought they got short shrift.  Bloody buddhist lotuses.

Thanks for turning the other cheek - I will treat this one with tenderness and restraint in equal mesaure to my heavyhanded brutalization of the former cheek.  And as for the giggling, you need to get your head really near the mushroom at the crucial moment.  It’s rather a yogic exercise, but the payoff is worth it.  Or so the legend goes. 

And as for being in the vegetable kingdom, I suppose technically you’re right, unless you go with the 20 questions tri-partite division of the natural world into animal, veggie and mineral, which I espouse for the sake of convenience.  It may be intellectually dishonest but that’s never stopped me before.

Phew, you had me going for a second there. I thought you really were upset at Greg.

Anyway, even the word mushroom makes me shudder. Y.U.C.K.

Sorry, Dan.  I’m with Gimmy.  Mushrooms are just nasty.  Unless they’re mashed up into a tea and mixed with Sharkleberry Kool-Aid.  Then they’re nifty.

best way to learn to appreciate mushrooms is to become a vegetarian. after your first three months living on salad and bread you will find ANYTHING to take the place of that steak. 

even fungus.