Friday, December 27, 2002

Holiday lessons to collect and

Holiday lessons to collect and trade:

1) Some people are trying to popularize “National Buy Nothing Day” for the day after Thanksgrabbing, as a way to assert the inherent independence from market forces that distinguishes members of our culture.  After the way I’ve been abusing my digestion over the past week, I’m considering a push for “National Eat Nothing” day on the day after Xmas.  And all the food we’d have eaten, we can just scrape it off of our plates into a cardboard box and mail it to someone less fortunate than ourselves.  Someone, for example, who receives a box of stale and rotten food in the mail from a total stranger. 

2) I’d like one of those heavy heirloom turkey roasting pans, tall-sided and seasoned with love.  But life’s not always like it is in my dreams.  For one thing, I came to work wearing clothes today.  And for another, I’m still buying those disposable aluminum roasting pans whenever I bake the gallinaceous fowl (speaking euphemistically).  But you learn important lessons from these little dustballs on the parquet floor of fate: the pan I wish I didn’t have to buy has a motto stamped into its ventral surface: “Support the Bottom.” Damn straight, you roasting pan - that’s the ticket for success in life and love.  Let that bottom droop and we’ll all be in trouble.  I wouldn’t have gotten this important reminder from a non-disposable roaster, and my bottom’d be dragging all over the damn place.  Hardly suitable for fine dining.