Monday, February 12, 2007

Horrible, horrible, horrible

It’s been a good weekend, but it’s ending with a real heavy load of brainwork.  I’ve been at the keyboard for hours now, catching up on correspondence and typing up interview notes and doing research and updating key documents and generally not having the kind of Sunday night party for which I should be famous. 

Update: today we went to the Zoo where Zach enjoyed the following exotic activities:

* insisting on being carried
* picking up leaves
* putting leaves in garbage cans
* caressing garbage cans
* putting leaves in storm drains
* licking storm drains
* ignoring monkeys
* diligently exploring a short windowless concrete tunnel
* putting his hands in mud
* rolling around on the ground
* insisting on being carried
* putting his muddy hands on my face
* headbutting me
* the classic ding-dong

After about 90 minutes of this we took him the hell home and let him do the same damn stuff in the sanitized safety of his own freaking room.  Nature’s majesty my ass. 

On a lighter note, last night we visited the wonderful Sha and Helena, who hosted a delicious supper for us and another very sweet family.  I ate lots of salad and steak-smeared-with-gorgonzola and super-terrific mushroom risotto (three servings, au jus), and then some fruit tart, and then we listened to ‘60s pop and thrash punk for an hour or so before toddling home.  Who had fun?  Two hints:

hint 1
hint 2

(Thanks Helena for the awesome shots) (and I don’t mean that huge snifter of cognac you handed me shortly before I drove home)

Any-the-hell-way, what I’ve got left is a small handful of some of the worst goddamn puns I’ve ever thought of.  Really, they’re horrible.  The particularly bad part is that I can’t get them out of my mind.  Taking my cue from a classic story by S.L. Clemens, I have chosen to exorcise these avatars of awfulness by sharing them with you.  If you read on, you really have only yourself to blame.  However, if you want to say it’s Cheney’s fault I won’t stop you. 

First, an easy one: I’m sort of a cross between Google and Gogol: I will answer any question you ask me, but in a depressing wordy way. 

See, not funny.  Not even amusing.  However, imagine how much worse it would have been if you’d been repeating it to yourself for a week.  My relief is palpable.  (Palpations available by request with SASE.)

Now, a really bad one: Kel got Z an animal book at the liberry recently, featuring one Noah and his giant floating whatsis.  It’s very well-illustrated and eyecatching though, so the theme has been floating (!) around my head lately.  It finally occurred to me that when he got the notion to build a boat so all terrestrial creatures could survive unto the generations, he must have been the first Commissioner of Arks and Procreation.

Okay, that is really much worse, and is only even comprehensible (and certainly even then not funny) if you have a local commissioner of Parks and Recreation for context.  But even that is a good’un compared to:

Movie idea: a judge makes a terrible mistake and pays a horrible price in tonight’s feature – TERROR CORAM NOBIS! 

See, that only even vaguely makes sense if you’ve got a working knowledge of legal latin.  So I’m counting on you to develop that capacity.  I can’t be the only one on this damn blog who’s stuck understanding this joke.  And with that, I’m going to go back to my stupid boring work.  Have a delightful Lincoln Day.  I’m going to log off. 

oh god there goes another one.  sorry.  sorry.  hee.  sorry.  really.

Given the puns I’m thinking that giant snifter of congnac may have done some permanent damage - har.

I’m so glad to know I’m not the only one who makes such corny literal jokes (sorry dan). I am completely ostrasized in my family when I roll out the witty (to me) puns and play-on-words. We can’t help it that our brains work that way, dammit!

Also, your Zach tale was hilarious.

Kids are great like that. Last summer we flew my 5 year old nephew out to visit so that he could do the 2 things he wanted most in the world: go to the beach and go to SeaWorld. After shelling out $50 a head for SW, he spent the whole day asking if it was time to go home, and if we would get home with enough time to still go ride bikes (he was borrowing a hand-me-down bike and was thrilled it was of the Big Kid variety). Money well spent. We never even had to leave the driveway to make his whole vacation worth it.

and also, I love the puns. I am not punny myself but if I ever think of something, now I know who might appreciate it (or at least humor me).

I especially like posts like this. It gives me a look into your weird brain. I needed some humor here this Tuesday.

Zach looks like he’s having more fun than should be allowed by law!

Seriously, it has always amazed me the things kids can put in their mouth and live!

Even I’m not laughing with you on the legal Latin—of course, Tommy Nobis was a terror.

Very nice hints.

I’m so glad that you split when you did there.

Now, I will copy what I’ve written and then re-post about 8 times till it sticks.  I know you are simply trying to weed out those commenters who lack persistence.  I don’t know why, but you will not shut me up.

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