Thursday, March 20, 2003

I try to make a

I try to make a point of getting the wrong message out of commercials.  There’s one that’s caught my eye lately in which a bigtime Hollywood couple are hanging out at home and he’s playing one of three or four pinball machines lined up against a wall.  I immediately stopped paying attention to the sponsor’s message and started wondering, is this why this guy wanted to be rich and famous?  He went into an arcade at a tender age and decided, “someday, all this will be mine?” I think he aimed too low.  So I’ve come up with a few items that I can look toward as proof that I have “made it big.” In the Hollywood/Wall Street sense, you know. 

* My compost and medical waste have resale value.
* Personal lane on Bay Bridge Toll Plaza.
* Biography Channel keeps calling my friends for “background.”
* Complementary swedish massage with HappyMeal purchase.
* Wardrobe provided by Hugo Boss for promotional consideration.
* Free annual sampler pack of new European luxury vehicles.
* Baseball commissioner accepts my recommendation that an intentional walk sends the batter to 2nd.
* Votes in general election counted repeatedly until my choices win
* Television networks clear proposed scheduling changes through my personal secretary.
* Health clubs both provide free membership and graft actual fitness onto my body.
* Special P.O. box needed to handle requests for sperm donations.
* Fashion mistakes promulgated as actual cutting-edge trends.
* Thanksgiving renamed ‘Dansgiving.”
* Photographed while shopping by other than security personnel.
* Someone else registers my name as an internet domain for commercial use.
* People would rather keep my checks than cash them.
* Terrell Owens asks me to sign his football.
* Ben and Jerry’s names a new ice cream after me.
* A urinal in my bathroom at home. 

Thanks for your support.  I promise not to forget any of you when I’m so rich and famous that I can buy and sell ordinary people like tart-n-tinys.  Not that I’d need to do that myself, of course.  You’d have to talk to my staff.  Unfortunately, at present that’s an obscene reference, but I’m sure my value to the nation and the world will be recognized and appropriately compensated any minute now.