Thursday, February 20, 2003

I was chatting with the

I was chatting with the wife a few nights ago and asked her what her favorite candy was when she was growing up.  She instantly answered, “chocolate.” I tried to get her to narrow it down a bit.  After some serious thought she nominated peanut m&ms as her old-timey fave.  This was most disappointing to me.  There had to be more fun candy than that.  I cogitated for a while and, by dint of pure mental power, returned to those carefree, glucose-encrusted days of my youth when I would gleefully eat (in no particular order, but organized by genus):

CHEWY TREATS:
Spice Drops: these were “old lady candy” that was good anyway.
Banana Gum: I couldn’t find a link to this product.  It was a single wad of gum about six inches long, with an artificial banana odor that freaked me out as a child.  It’s probably so toxic you can’t put it on the net anymore.
Flat taffy: this stuff was bizarre.  It came wrapped in wax paper that was hell to peel it off, but I learned eventually to put it in the freezer first.  It would shatter when you bit it and then dissolve into a sugary mess that clamped your teeth together.  I was only allowed to get this, for some reason, on the one night a year that the Wizard of Oz was on tv. 
Jujubes: I don’t know why I liked these.  I knew they tasted like soap but I ate them compulsively.
Gum that squirts: we called it “cum gum” until we figured out what it meant. 
Gum from packs of cards - especially Wacky Ads: Genius. I dreamed of meeting the guys who came up with this stuff.
Wax lips and bottles: these had some flavor to them for a few minutes, and then became more like resistance training for your jaws - hard to chew, crumbly, but handy in case you needed to make an emergency candle or repair a broken toy.
Razzles: these started out like Tums but turned into gum.  In fact, the “Berry Flavor” Tums currently on the market strongly resemble Razzles in taste.  Maybe once they lost their ability to metamorphose into gum, they got repackaged as antacids. 
Creepy Crawlers: this was one of my first and favorite toys ever.  (The link isn’t for the edible version but there’s only so much investment I can make in this process.) You got sugary goop and poured it into molds in the shape of hideous bugs, that would jiggle and stick to windows until you ate them.  I shudder to think what that goop contained.

TREATS IN THE FORM OF A STICK
lik-a-stix: just deadly.  You eat sugar on sugar with sugar.  Plus it dissolved your tongue and the “stick” could get really sharp and poke you.  Heh.
Pixie stix: a perennial favorite.  The sugar just poured right down your gullet.  The rush was palpable.  In that it gave you heart palpitations.
Chick-O-Sticks: I started eating these because, believe it or not, I felt sorry for them - no one else ever bought them.  Turns out they were pretty tasty.  They tended to shatter, though.
Jolly Rancher Fire Sticks: these, too, could be sucked to a razor-sharpness.  Plus they made me sweat and made my tongue red even when I hadn’t cut myself. 
Space Food Sticks: of course they’re candy.  Don’t make trouble.

CHOCOLATE TREATS
Marathon bar: with an intriguing braid pattern, I knew I was mostly buying air, but the package was so huge!  That’s right, I was attracted by a huge package.  But I grew out of that. 
Three Musketeers bar: I always tried to eat all the chocolate off the outside first, and then stuff all the inside part in my mouth at once.  It was sort of a tradition.
Elite Flake Bar: I couldn’t find a link for these.  They were sold in my synagogue, came from Israel, and had a super-creamy texture.  They were shot through with air pockets in a sort of “driftwood” pattern.  They were fragile but very tasty.
Anything made with my Willie Wonka Chocolate Factory: you melted your own chocolate and turned it into weird chocolate in other shapes.  It also came with wrappers, which you could affix to non-candy items and try to feed them to your sister.  But she was usually there when you set it up so it didn’t often work. 

CRUNCHY TREATS
For some reason, these were really not very high on my list in general, with the following exceptions:
Large jaw breakers: they’d last a week or more if you didn’t lose them, and if you were lucky they wouldn’t actually slip down your throat and choke you.  The greatest demonstration of self-discipline I ever endured as a kid was sucking one of these monsters until it was gone, never once biting it.  I now bite frequently and cheerfully.  Keep away from moving parts.
Dots on sheets of paper: these tended to be party favors.  You got a strip of cash register tape with spots of candy all over it.  Pure sugar.  Pure enjoyment. 

Curiously enough, I never even tried these.  Now I’m kind of dizzy.  The memory alone has given me insulin shock.  Time to eat some protein.