Thursday, March 13, 2003

I’m not proud to admit

I’m not proud to admit it, but, having spent 14 hours of the last weekend on airplanes, I looked through every piece of literature in the pocket of the seatback in front of me.  The magazine was like a chocolate easter bunny - apparently thick and rich, but once opened, nothing but an empty shell of chalky pap.  But the ads were worth the slog - I especially liked the one for the Bose(R) Quiet Comfort(R) Acoustic Noise-Cancelling(R) Headset.  I was able to wile away many lofty minutes imagining the frustration of the Bose(R) copywriters that they couldn’t register the phrases “acoustic” and “headset.” I don’t care how great a piece of equipment it is; there’s no reason to stick three (R)s in a single product name.  All those (R)s made me start saying “matey” to myself in a bucaneer accent, but as I was sitting alone I was able to get away with it.  However, it made me want a parrot for my shoulder, or an eyepatch, or at least an island riddled with secret tunnels filled with booty.  (Heh.)

Bereft of such props, I went shopping in the SkyMall and, though they were sorely lacking in the pirate gear department, I was pleasantly surprised by the tremendous quantity and breadth of fresh, unsullied crap that is being marketed in that ubiquitous airborne rag.  Crap so weird it got my weirdness juices going.  I was pretty sure, once I’d read the wicked thing cover to cover, that I, too, could come up with products that could successfully be marketed to jet-lagged, poorly fed, tipsy, uncomfortable and bored business travellers and vacationers, based on the stuff that’s apparently being sold to them already in Le Bourse du Ciel. So just for chuckles I append hereinbelow a few actual SkyMall items and a few of my suggested additions to their product line.  Come on folks, don’t you want a:

* Necklace-mounted personal ionizer
* Vacuum-operated lip plumper
* Elephant-head wall-mounted candelabra
* Beaded resin monkey table?

-- Of course you do.  And you can buy them all at 30,000 feet (really!).  But why stop there?  Shop Chucklehut and be the first on your block with a:

* Home botox kit
* Child compactor
* Portable sports/camping bidet
* Inflatable flotation underware

Those bastards should be paying me to fly on their airplanes and read their magazines.  These ideas don’t just grow on trees.  Although(R).....