Tuesday, December 30, 2003

I’m Rubber; You’re Glue

The thing I’ve decided to complain about today is that I’m too nice a person, and so is everybody else.  This is irritating chiefly because I have generated a few great put-downs that I don’t see myself ever getting a chance to use.  It’s like having a check you can’t cash, or a car you can’t drive - the satisfaction is in the using of it, not the silent harboring of it.  I just want to rip into somebody with a really nasty insult and I am starting to wonder when I’ll find a truly suitable foil.  And - let’s be honest - I am starting to doubt if I could carry it off.  To be this nasty right in somebody’s face - I shudder to consider it.  But apart from that, when will I encounter the festering idiot who deserves this kind of treatment?  Well, my philosophy is, if you can’t spend it all selfishly on yourself, share the wealth with everybody.  If I can’t personally burn anybody with these, maybe one of you can. 

So I present the following for your approval - and may the new year bring you no opportunities whatsoever to use any of these.  Otherwise I’d be wishing you a rather irritating new year, and that’s not the Chucklehut way.

* It’s not you, it’s me.  I’m sick of you.
* I’m sorry, I’m saving myself for a human.
* Please wait here while I see if there’s someone who can stand to be in the same room with you.
* Oh, someone was telling me there was a gas leak.  They must have meant you. 
* Would you please just go infest someone else?

You’re working nights at a convenience store (fast food resturant), we have placed you on the food chain. I will say it again, slowly…

I have used this. It is actually a favorite.

Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again…

I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

I like you.  You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

What am I?  Flypaper for freaks!?

I’m not being rude.  You’re just insignificant.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Nice perfume.  Must you marinate in it?

Errors have been made.  Others will be blamed.