Thursday, July 07, 2005

it ain’t heavy, it’s my governmentium

I don’t often post whole articles I found on the internet or that someone forwarded to me… but I did enjoy this when a friend sent it over, and it’s coming up with sufficiently low google numbers that it appears not to have been overflogged already.  Therefore, I am pleased to entertain you with the following, for which I claim responsibility only for further promulgation - and a special shout-out to my G-8 homies up in the ‘Eagles; y’all pound a 40 for me and don’t give up the bling:

Governmentium

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named “Governmentium.”

Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as “Critical Morass.” When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium - an element which radiates just as much energy as the Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Tomorrow I’ll give you a bit of a story with the writing of which I had a bit more personal involvement.  Meantime, keep your bozons trimmed and burning.