Tuesday, March 25, 2003

It was just yesterday that

It was just yesterday that my dear friend Ms Pea suggested that I try to make a list of the words I always use.  Not the obvious ones like “the” and “I,” but the ones more particular to my personality and expressive style.  I put my mind to the task and was quickly overwhelmed.  There are the words I say too often, the ones I like but don’t use enough, the ones I think I use but really don’t, the ones that are so eccentric that, even if I use them rarely, it feels like I use them a lot… Long story short, I just wasn’t up to the task.  Not that one. 

But it turns out that there was a list I was able to compile that I think is a bit more revealing - and isn’t that what the internet is all about?  I was on the bus in my typical, ordinary seat, realizing that my life is full of little habits that anyone who wanted to kill me and take my place would have to learn before being able to fool all the people all the time.  Never one to stand in the path of such progress, I cheerfully present:

THE STUFF I ALWAYS DO
(Note: “Always” means “almost always, all things being equal.” I’m a creature of habit, not a slave to convention.  Well, I guess that depends on the convention, but all things being equal....)
* Look back at the projector during (or before) movies. This started when I saw my first movie, which scared the hell out of me at times and I had to look back to ground myself and remember what was really going on.  Since then I’ve skipped the peer-back only once - on purpose, during an iconoclastic phase that was unproductive and unsatisfying.
* Think about Leonardo Da Vinci while taking off in an airplane. I think of him sitting next to me, getting all jacked up about the whole process of jet engines, air pressure, in-flight service, and modern urban planning… He travels with me for a few minutes everywhere I go.
* Mute commercials on t.v. I don’t understand why everybody doesn’t do this.  Commercials irk me no end and I get such a sense of empowerment being able to quash them.
* Listen to the news in the morning. NPR.  The only exception is if I’m in LA and happen to be in an area that has good reception of KJZZ (I think, used to be KLON but the letters changed) - the best jazz station in the country. Otherwise, it’s Bob Edwards and yoga.
* Read plaques set into walls or sidewalks. Sometimes this slows me down but I learn a lot of interesting and useful crap.  People ask me, ‘where did you learn this useful crap?’ and I tell them ‘I read it on a building’ and they either don’t believe me or they don’t believe the building.  I don’t care either way, but suddenly I’m inspired to create and install a bunch of misleading plaques… maybe more on this later...
* Ride harder uphill. - That is, on my bicycle.  (You knew.  Don’t be that way.) I love the struggle against the mountain, the thrill of summiting, even if it’s just a small incline on a neighborhood street.  To this compulsion I credit my breathtakingly sculpted calves.
* Tuck in the bottom of the bed. If the sheets come untucked from the foot of the bed in the middle of the night I will sometimes have to get up and re-tuck.  Kel prefers the “born free” philosophy as re: bedcovers, which irks me no end.  If the edge of the sheet is lying halfway across my sculpted calves while my feet protrude under the blanket or the comforter, I have disjointed dreams and restless sleep.
* Shave in the shower. This, I learned after years of amateur hematology, gouging divots out of my face with bloodthirsty abandon.  Now I use hair conditioner instead of shave cream, and have a no-fog mirror in the shower.  It makes the difference between being presentable at work in the morning, and being asked by strangers when they opened up Molokai.
* Sit, on the bus coming home, on the last seat on the left before the articulation in the middle of the bus, facing inward (not forward). This is the habit that triggered my awareness of this whole subject.  I like this seat because I can see the other riders; nothing happens that escapes my attention on the bus.  Also, I can be sure that my right hand will not be encumbered by another person sitting next to me, or bumping it in the aisle, and there is an armrest on which I can rest it.  My bag fits under the seat and I have a choice of easily-accessed doors.  It’s the little things in life that make me feel so petty...
* Kick stuff lying around on the sidewalk. I’m right-footed but I’m working on pedal ambidexterity.  I also tend to hook my kicks left with both my right and left feet, but over time I’ve improved somewhat.  “Time” in this case means “since I started walking.” Prospects for a professional career in the kicking of found objects have dimmed over the past decade or so.

By mastering these simple behaviors, you can be as maladjusted, anxious and socially inappropriate as I am myself.  And that’s quite an accomplishment, so pace yourselves.  Rome wasn’t tucked in in a day, after all.