Monday, February 05, 2007
Lessons from Der HeirmachinDonaldmeister
I have already proven to myself I’m not the live-blogger type, partly because I have neitehr a wireless connection nor a tv I can see from the computer, and partly because I don’t think fast enough or in small enough chunklets to withstand the pressure. I’m all about the long boring diatribes, or even triatribes, where I groan on about something for way too long and then finish up with a short snappy phrase as if it were a punchline. Like this!
See, not too funny. So I’m not the best liveblogging buddy you’ve ever had; I can’t feel bad about that all day long, there is plenty of other stuff I need to feel bad about and this just has to wait in line. Like this! So anyway, I’ve been watching my reality TV and NOT live-blogging it, and here’s the updates:
* Survivor: is starting this week and they seem to be doing the same “winners-live-large, losers-suck-bog gas” setup that they have on the Apprentice this season, except they’re doing it in Fiji. I will watch, as I always do, because I invariably learn so much from watching those attention whores ruin themselves in the hot tropical sun. On this point, more below.
* Amazing Race: They’re calling it an “all stars” episode but they’re missing some folk I’d love to see again, and they are calling some people “all stars” who seem more like “partial assteroids” at best. But I will not complain because 1) television is FREE, suckers! and 2) the final race will be in my very own neighborhood, the Strybing Arboretum at Golden Gate Park. That’s so cool. Plus, we get to enjoy even more of Rob and Amber. How have I confronted life these long dark months without their incessant teleslutting?
* The Apprentice: This is a show I stopped watching for a while but now I’m back because it’s in LA this season and I wanted to see how they portrayed and played that city, as opposed to NYC where it’s usually shot. So far LA is not looking too special, but it’s not really that photogenic a town. They’re also premiering the “winners in the mansion, losers in a tent” setup that I expect they’ll be reusing for Survivor (but without the actual mansion). It’s funny to me that 1) El Donaldo’s place is obviously brand-new, but built to look old and succeeding only in looking tacky, which I guess is perfect for him, and 2) they had to settle on two houses that face the valley rather than the city. They’re perched off Mulholland near Bev Glen and that’s as good as they could do. The city view houses are all TAKEN, dude. Even Al Ak-Donald’s influence only goes so far.
The thing is, I watch these shows for the stuff I learn from them. Not just that no one looks good in night-vision photography or that most shorts droop to flash the ass-cleavage when televised - there are actually usually one or two little points I can take away from each episode. How to handle myself, or others; what not to say or how not to say it. And just to pound this right through the dead horse and several inches into the hard, salt-sown ground on which the networks do their evil deeds, here are my “lessons learned” from episodes I through IV of The Apprentice - Los Angeles:
Episode I:
* Don’t wear a necktie to work at a car wash.
* Make sure your bladder is empty when you meet the big boss.
Episode II:
* Don’t go up against Jack Bauer - not even in a scheduling sense (unless TiVo is in full force, or the terrorists have already won)
* Sex doesn’t sell - hetero sex sells, or, sometimes, hot lesbians. Don’t make your gay male self your main marketing tool. So to speak.
Episode III:
* Don’t sign up if you aren’t fully prepared to play the game.
* If they give you a microphone - STOP SHOUTING.
Episode IV (500 cc ringers stat!):
* Life is a team sport.
* Three fair ideas implemented, beats one possibly fabulous idea flatly rejected.
And for being so nice and reading all the way down to here, a BONUS LESSON:
* The Donald does not care for fruity meat.
The Apprentice wasn’t on this past Sunday, so there was no lesson for me this weekend. Instead we took naps and visited the Wave Organ. Yes, I took photos, I’ll post them later. Sheesh. Later, dudes.
