Thursday, February 12, 2004

Look Good - Feel Better

When I get a haircut, I don’t ask for much.  I don’t need to be entertained or coddled - though that can be a nice touch when done properly.  But I generally keep my expectations low and just hope no one screws up my head for me so I can relax and unwind for a little while That’s all I want. 

The UN Mafia barbershop at Second and Mission had fulfilled these needs a few times for me already.  I was inclined to overlook its sordid seediness for the authenticity of the experience, the bizarre polyglot sketch factor - and anyway it’s hard to screw up my haircut.  But I think I just had a ‘last straw” experience there and I won’t be going back.

First, as my russian barber - who was clownishly attired in maroon slacks, a deep blue plaid business shirt and a wide white necktie - began trimming my impertinent fringe, a heavyset woman walked in to the tiny cluttered shop and started speaking in spanish with one of the other barbers.  The woman was in her 20s, with thick black hair and dark downcast eyes, a cheap exercise suit and dark purple bruises across her face.  She mumbled back and forth with the other barber for a few minutes, occasionally smiling and shrugging her shoulders helplessly, apologetically.  I could barely hear her voice, though she stood only five feet from me.  From the bruises it looked like something had struck the outside of her left eye, blackening it thoroughly; another blow had caught the front of her mouth, leaving her lips swollen and discolored.  Those were the only bruises I could see. 

After she shuffled out and on her way, eyes to the sidewalk, the other barber confirmed that she’d been beaten by her husband.  That upset me - but not so much as how he then started talking about it.  “Yes, that’s how we do it at home, that’s how to keep them in line...” he grunted jocularly in his thick accent, on the verge of mirthless laughter.  My own barber sensed my distaste and disavowed his colleague’s opinions; I just commented “that isn’t right.” I didn’t want to get into it in the middle of my haircut at such a questionable establishment.  That’s a very vulnerable position, so I tried to hold my tongue.

Soon another patron showed up.  He was porcine - overweight, bushy-haired, with a broad chin and a short flat nose; when he pulled off his anorak it raised his black t-shirt up over a broad and pendulous gut.... as my barber was wrapping up my trim, this other guy somehow heard I worked for the State Bar and got interested in me: he was an attorney, wanted to know if his dues would rise.  He hoped they wouldn’t - he thinks it’s a ripoff, he gets nothing for his membership.  He’d rather see state regulation (paid for equally by all taxpayers) than to answer to an independent dues-based oversight organization.  I told him I could respect that opinion, and if he felt strongly about it he could advocate for it and perhaps effect a change. 

And what kind of law, might I inquire, does he practice?  He represents the National Rifle Association.  He likes it okay, they take pretty good care of him… and on he went about how much he likes his working conditions and compensation.  So here’s this human pig who makes his living trying to minimize state regulation of deadly weapons that exact an unimaginable toll in human life and misery.  But when it’s worth $390 to him in annual fees - which he probably earns in two hours at his desk, bills to his employer, and writes off on his taxes - he embraces state regulation with an enthusism born of pure greed. 

It’s not enough that his overall political and moral philosophy is inimical to mine, even reprehensible to me - the glory of a free society is the marketplace of ideas, after all… but his hypocracy in selectively abjuring or endorsing government involvement in matters of public concern, based on nothing more than on his own perceived short-term financial interests - this mercenary immorality revolted me.  I excused myself, paid my barber for the last time, and left the bizarre little shop feeling sad and angry.  That’s a lousy way to feel after a haircut.  I guess I need to find a new cheap barber downtown.  I won’t be going back to UN Mafia again.

Haircuts are such a personal thing and, as you point out, a vulnerable place to be.  This is the third blog I’ve read lately about the subject, and I wrote about it too.  But c’mon--the place had “Mafia” in the title.  You should have known.

is it really called UN Mafia???  outrageous!

i thought you had a nice Filipino place you went to, where they massaged your neck and gave you hot towels, etc.  what happened to that place?

it’s not really called UN Mafia, I just never saw a name anywhere and everyone who works there looks like a mafioso but from a different country - Mexico, Russia, Philipines, China, a black dude… and every one of them is Big Pussy with an accent.

I love the places in my ‘hood (there are two that are good) but sometimes I just have to get out and get shorn on a tedious afternoon.  Hence my visits to UN Mafia.  My erstwhile visits.

You exhibited AMAZING self-restraint my dear, I’m not sure I would have been able to do that myself.

So it’s back to tbe Bookie/Barber for you, huh? Can you put $20 on the Knicks for me? I’d do it myself, but I’ll be busy chasing down the husband of the woman with the bruises and kicking his ass, ‘cause that’s just the kind of vigilante I am.

You’re changing barbershops because of another customer? That’s unfair. Well, there’s the casual attitude towards wife-beating.

I remember a barbershop from when I was younger that had a sign posted in the waiting area, that said “No Politics Please”.

two of my sisters own barber shops.  i can so relate to this story.  for one summer i was allowed to shine shoes in older sister’s shop when i was sixteen.  she said i couldn’t come back.  i was being too mean to the assholes.  funny thing about her shop.  all the customers were cleveland mafioso.  seriously.

Woah.  I’m not sure I’d feel all too secure in there with all of the sharp instruments anyway.

I dig my barbershop.  We disagree on some key things, but the good part is I can tell them they are full of shit without having to worry about my barber getting “sloppy” with the straight razor.  :)

i need the capital to open an all-nationals, expatriates’ barber-shop with the name UN MAFIA.  any investors?

seriously, dan, good for you.  principles are important.  and besides, really, there’s no reason to take shit.  life is short enough as it is.  even when hair is involved.

I have to agree with miss bliss on this one - you held yourself back extremely well. I would have definitely started arguing with them all right after the ‘wifebeating is how we do it’ comment. and that would have undoubtedly ended very badly.

glad to hear you aren’t going back.

I probably would have jumped up and socked the guy upside the head with the trimmers. You showed a lot of restraint there, Pal.

Now, as to the NRA dude. He’ll probably be shot in the head by one of those guns he tries to keep in circulation. Never fear. Karma always takes care of those types of guys.

I know everyone is going to jump on this comment, but I don’t understand. Why do women stick in a relationship like this? Definetly, he is a pig and needs to be beat up by someone 5 times his size, but while she has legs, why doesn’t she just walk away? And don’t give me the stuff about how she can’t get away, she is just too helpless to do so. Open up the phone book, find that women’s shelter and get on with a real life where you can wake up to a new day knowing you’re still gonna be able to see through your eyes that evening. Taking it, is as bad as giving it.

Reminds me of whenever I go to the dentist, and they cram a bunch of instruments in my mouth, and ask me whether I agree that Bush is the best president ever and Jesus wants us to kill Iraqis.  Next time I go, I’ll carry an auction-style handle with YES on one side and NO on the other.  No, on the other hand I’ll just have NO on one side and STOP on the other.

Do they charge you less because you are bald?  Or ... are you really bald or just saying you’re bald so that you can be internet cool?  I’ve run into a few weirdoes like that—

Dan, you’re a good man who deserves to have his hair cut by someone not dressed in maroon slacks and a blue plaid shirt. 

Wlfldy, I can’t believe I’m even getting into this, so here’s all I’m going to say: you asked why a woman wouldn’t just leave an abusive situation.  Here’s some reasons: safety, children, finances, security, religion, lack of access to help, language and culture barriers, upbringing and the very real fact that many, many women are killed by their abusers after they leave.

Wlfldy - a woman in an abusive relationship has many, many reasons to stay in it - fear, emotional trauma. If a man has abused a woman emotionally for so long telling her she’s worthless or that no one is going to want her, she starts to believe it. He may have instilled a fear in her for herself and her children, telling her that he will kill her and her family if she tries to leave, that he will find her no matter where she goes. This is most often the case, and sadly, happens all too often. Leaving a horribly abusive relationship is one of the hardest things a woman can do and it isn’t as simple as just “leaving.”

Women, and even men for that matter, don’t have any kind of legal protection in leaving abusive relationships. The laughable protective orders only come into effect when they have been violated and by that time he’s harmed or killed her. Shelters are great, but few and far between and are often hard to get into because they are so over run. Abusive men most often control every aspect of the abusee’s life, including money, so she may not have any money to get out.

I’m not scolding you, and I say this in the nicest way possible, but saying it’s as simple as just walking out is a very naeve thing to say. People need to open their eyes to what’s around them. Abuse towards women is a rampant disease and one I fight passionately against. I urge you to educate yourself on this topic, because chances are, one day someone you love will be affected by some form of abuse.

They are all very good and valid points that I am already aware of. (I did say I knew it would be jumped on and I knew exactly the arguments you would present) I am not really that niave. However, I would rather be dead trying to get away than staying there. It’s just part of my nature that I will not allow myself to be abused by someone. I come from a background where I suffered mental abuse and I know, it is easy to feel worthless. But I am not willing to let it overtake me. And you are so right, VPOs are worthless. If there isn’t a nearby women’s shelter, then I suggest contacting a church. I’m not saying that it is easy to walk away. What if every immigrant that ever struggled to get to America just didn’t because, well, it was just too over whelming to take the risks? You just have to decide, what you want to do with your life. Get beat or get up and out. Everything worthwhile has obstacles. Just my opinion and you can think I’m ignorant because of it, but you’re not going to change my mind.

I hear both sides of this story more often than you might think, dealing with programs that are designed to help people get legal assistance, frequently in domestic violence situations.  There is, I think, no single uniform right answer.  I don’t know anything about that woman, so I can’t say is she was smart to stay and protect her children, or if she’d already walked out and is living at a shelter, or if she’s so completely in fear for her life that she’s not rational anymore.  But I do know that this forum for discussion is valuable to the same extent that we treat each other with respect.  I’m deeply moved that we can discuss both sides of this terrible issue with passion yet without disrespect.  You people rock. 

And Bill, they charge me more because they have to look for the hair.  If it was hip to be bald, you know I’d have an afro…

Man...I wanna second Dan on that whole YOU PEOPLE ROCK business.  This is a touchy subject and everyone has their own experiences with it.  Reading this passionate and respectful exchange gives me tons of hope about us as a society.