Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Merkan Measures, or Take Me to Your Liter
Okay, here’s a little rant I’ve been saving up for a while, and since tomorrow is applications deadline day and I’ll be basically booked solid from then till October, this is a good time to let loose: If US opinion is relevant at all to the world-wide acceptance of metric standards, the metric system is as dead as Gabriel Mouton, the Gallic vicar who invented it in the 17th century. We, as a nation, reject metricosity, despite having the world’s first decimal currency system, and it’s for a very simple reason: we don’t like French stuff. From Citroens to citrons, from champagne to Catherine DeNeuve, we’ve had a crawful of their Ypres and hors de combat and all that French stuff they’re always going on about. We make our own wine and cheese, thank you. Julia Child kicked their asses au cuisine, and this great country is itching to reject anything with a frenchy name out of hand.
Of course, this attitude is shortsighted and silly. I mean, DeNeuve was a total hottie. And as for metric measures, it’s easier to divide and multiply by (um, carry the three and add the remainder) TEN, than it is to do the “times twelve is feet, times three is yards, times whatever is a mile and don’t get me started on ounces...” stuff we go through. I sort of wish that foreign speedometers didn’t freak me out with the suggestion I’m going 1.6 times faster than I thought I was. Also, there are enough things that are sold in grams that it might make sense to remove the taint of drug sale terminology from that word. It’s all about global harmony, people - despite our inbred distrust of what’s left of Charlemagne’s crib. And in the interest of shrinking our rancid angry world so we can hate each other that much more conveniently, I have put my powerful brains to work on solving the US inertia on that whole metric deal.
The problem, of course, is that the words are all too, well, European. Meter (or, more damningly, “metre")? Litre? Hectare? What the hectare do they expect of us? In the past we have accepted, reluctantly, French words like fuselage, chauffeur and ordurv, but I think that’s about our limit. They snuck those in when we were sleeping off that fine, fine California Zinfandel binge. Now that we’re not only awake but seriously hung over, we are not going to let any more eurospeak inveigle its way into the purity of the American tongue.
So, if this country is going to embrace the rest of the world’s measurement system, I think the only solution is to treat it as if we invented it - much as Russia did with basketball, or the Mayans with chocolate and tearing out people’s hearts. If we like the sound of the terminology we invent for it, we’ll use it gladly and ignore the confusion. If we’re stuck with goofball stuff like “centigrade” or “Celsius,” we’ll just revert to whatever we’re most used to.
SO: I have, at no small expense (that is to say, no expense at all), invented ‘Merkan names for units of metric measurement. I demand that these be promulgated and utilized nationwide, preferably before lunch. If necessary, lunch can be postponed for this purpose.
First, the Metric system is the wrong name. It’s the Merkan system of measurement, as in, ‘U-nited Statesuh Merka.” Got it? Okay.
Now, the first challenge was the most basic unit of measurement. Meter/re just reeks of low-quality eurodiesel and unshaved armpits. And don’t give me that crap about how “meter” is based on the Greek word “metron.” If we’re blowing off the French, why do you think we’d make special allowance for Greeks? Other than providing handy geographic nicknames for some of the more popular sexual variations, what have either of them done for us lately? Meter just don’t cut it. So what’s a more acceptable, Merkan alternative? It’s so obvious - nothing is more Merkan than an eagle. So, instead of meters, the basic unit of linear measurement would be an Eagle. This then gives us the following taxonomy:
* Meter: Eagle
* Centimeter: Beetle (smaller but can still fly)
* Millimeter: Mite
* Kilometer: Condor
Taking this as a pattern, we can reform liquid measure as follows:
* Liter: Tuna
* Centiliter: Bass
* Millimeter: Guppy
* Kiloliter: Shamu
Weights are, of course, subject to similar treatment. In this country, “gram” means a cracker that stops self-abuse. This is inappropriate and offensive to those who wish merely to weigh things without invoking prurient excesses. (I’m sure such people are out there. Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.) So, what is a more suitable category of terms than the name of those dirty, dirty crackers? Firearms and ordnance, naturally. That’s a wholesome Merkan subject all right. So that gives us:
* Gram: Cartridge
* Centigram: Pellet
* Milligram: Shot
* Kilogram: Bandolier (yeah, that one’s sort of viva-Zapata Mexican, but I think we can still get away with it under NAFTA)
Temperatures are pretty simple. There’s only one word for them: centigrade, or Celsius, which is two words, and isn’t that just French? Let’s cut it down to something that all Merkans can relate to: NOTCHES. It’s two Notches below zero. It’s gonna get up to 15 Notches today. (If things are really hot, we might want to adjust it to “Nachos.” Maybe with jalapenos.)
One of the real benefits of the Merkan system is that you can just add a syllable to any basic unit of measurement to make it a power of ten bigger or smaller. However, instead of relying blindly on the Latinate prefixes that have dogged the metric system since at least earlier today, I suggest getting rid of all the “millis,” “centis,” “decis” and such. And don’t give me any crap about replacing Millis with Vanillis. Go and love the ‘80s on your own time. Instead, let’s use these modifiers:
* 10 of anything: a Buncha
* 100 of anything: a Bucka
* 1000 of anything: a _____ Large
* 1/10th of anything: a Dima
* 1/100th of anything: a Centa (not the Frenchy version – it’s from the penny, or cent)
* 1/1000th: A Mini
Finally, there are two last measures that require Merkanization - ones we don’t use as often but that are nonetheless very important. Land area is now measured here in acres or square feet, which is a pretty confusing way to describe it. Metric-heads describe land area in terms of “hectares,” which to my ear is not much better. I suggest changing it to “Arbuckles.” It’s a nice friendly word with the subtlest suggestion of landmass.
And of course, there’s the infamous Newton - not a measure of figs, but of force. A Newton is the amount of force needed to move a 1 Bandolier weight a distance of one Eagle per second squared (see how this stuff just flows like melted butter off a hot beret?). This terminology is not quite as tainted as most metric names, because Isaac Newton was English and we have less trouble with them, even though they tend to add superfluous “u"s everywhere and Isaac Newton himself was a paranoid alchemist who died a virgin. I don’t need that mess in my physics, so let’s sever the euro-ties here too. What is the best name for a unit of force, such that all Merkans would be not only proud to use it but would go out of their way to fit it into conversation? Only one answer comes close, and it’s a surefire winner: the BAUER. Use it henceforth or the terrorists will have already won.
Class dismissed.
