Monday, May 03, 2004

OCULAR ISSUES

* There’s some damn muscle above my eyeball that’s twitching like that time we hooked little Timmy Thomson up to that wall socket. It was sort of moderately entertaining at first, something new to think about during a meeting, but now it’s just irritating.  So hear me now and hear me well: the twitch has got to go. At once.  I have spoken.  Dammit.  (Update: still twitching.  I don’t think Timmy lasted this long.)

* I’m not a big student of the delicate art of facial hygiene, but I think I need to shave my eyebrows, or trim them, or something.  If I glance up without moving my head, the ceiling looks hairy.  I admit, there are times when the ceiling has been hairy, and other times when I thought it looked hairy but for a different reason - but this time I’m pretty sure it’s an eyebrow issue.  The next stage is likely to be spontaneous brow macrame, and nobody wants to see that.

* Dr. Andy gave me his prescription swim and snorkle goggles!  He and I look so much alike that folk often assume we’re related, but it’s not just a superficial thing - we’re alike down to our optical prescription, except for different astigmatisms, but those mostly clear up under water anyway.  Andy got keratotomy and doesn’t need prescription lenses anymore, and we’re going to hawaii together in a few months so I could really use the equipment.  Ergo, I’m completely psyched.  Now I have about three months to get my 12-year-old sunglasses replaced.  Finally it’s time for my polarizing influence on world events to start working in my favor.

Thank God for item number 3, because items 1 and 2 were freaking me out.  My eye has started twitching as well, and I’m just about to make a doctor’s appointment to deal with it.  It comes and goes and has been doing so for a few weeks.  And then, after my haircut this weekend, I went home and trimmed my eyebrows.  BUT NO GOGGLES so we are not evil twins.  Or rather, you’d be the evil one.  And still are, but just not a twin.

Wow. I just can’t get over that last pun. You remind me of my father int that regard sometimes, and I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not.

We may share nervous traits and luxuriously unshorn eyemullets, but protective eyewear is what distinguishs us from the lower creatures. 

As for my evil twin, I’m actually one of a series of evil septuplets, each of us differently evilly charged.  In this arrangement, I’m the “G” in the “Roy G. Biv Spectrum of Evil.”

The eye-twitch thing is usually just a stress reaction.  Nervous tics for all my friends!

Of course, it could also be a sign of Rampant Eyeball Disintegration Syndrome, so you might want to get that checked out.

dude, with a sentence like this (and we’re going to hawaii together in a few months so I could really use the equipment) you’re so asking for it. but i’m feeling greedy right now so i’m not gonna share.

it was good though. you’d best believe that.

Solutions:

1) Valium. or a big fucking Flexeril.

2) Get a pair of little trim scissors and a fine toothed comb. Wet your eyebrows. Comb them upward. Trim. Smooth back down. No more hairy ceiling and you won’t look like you got drunk the night before and got your eyebrows shaved.

3) You already have the solution to this one. But you deserve some kind of medal for being able to keep a pair of sunglasses for 12 years. I can’t keep a pair for 12 days. Right on, brothah.

ok, when you can lie down on the floor, look up, and the ceiling still looks hairy, then it’s time for a shave… Or when someone calls you Andy Rooney.

I’m impressed with Kim’s knowledge of eyebrow trimming procedures!