Saturday, August 09, 2003

One More Step and You Will Die

I was not entirely without self-confidence when in high school; I had decent posture and was comfortable talking to people, so I approached my occasional interactions with titans as perhaps more noteworthy, but not really very different, than interactions with anybody else.  I had not encountered Loni.

Loni’s daughter went to my high school, and was really cute.  She seemed nice, too, but my self-confidence did not extend to being able to deal with girls so that was a non-issue.  So I just knew who she was - D., Loni’s daughter. And we all knew who Loni was. 

Loni was the one who had Howard Hessman and every other slave to testosterone eating out of her hand.  Though she had a job she seemed to be maintained by a man - or men - with international connections and unlimited resources.  Her apartment was a palace.  And she was to the female form what the 70’s corvette was to sports cars - voluptuous, curvy, vaugely dangerous in an irresistable way. 

Of course, I knew that some of what all of us thought of Loni was a product of the excellent writing and direction that turned her show into such a success.  Les and Johnny and of course Venus Flytrap - these guys were like family to me.  The weirdo members of my family but we loved them regardless.  And of course Bailey was so very pretty and efficient and diligent and dedicated and you had to love her for that. 

And then there was Loni, whom you loved for a whole different set of reasons. 

I was used to the idea of Loni being around, seeing her daughter, seeing her on tuesdays in our family room, she’s livin’ on the air in Cincinnatti… but I wasn’t prepared for her herself.  I just wasn’t prepared.

I was recovering from an ankle injury of some sort - I think I tore a ligament? - and was leaving my physical therapist’s office.  I tend to work hard on recovery and had used up all my strength and stamina on the various devices on which they’d had me exert myself.  As I pushed against the heavy door of the brightly lit medical suite to reenter the darkness of the hallway, I was already staggering a little and my eyes were slow to adjust to the dimness.

Once I blinked hard and saw clearly, what I saw was Loni.  Unmistakeably Loni, much bigger than she appeared to be on our 20 inch television, wearing a very pretty pink dress, her blonde tresses shellacked into an irresistable prow as on a cruise ship that might be bearing down inexorably on one’s dinghy.

We were mere yards apart and I was staggering into her path.  Her heels were precariously high and she was moving fast.  I knew that she would never be able to avoid crashing into me if I got in her way, and that the impact would be catastrophic.  The look on her face told me that, not only had all this occurred to her too, but she was also well along in her considerations of how utterly she would kick my ass if I tripped her up or ran into her.  It was, I suspected, very utterly. 

My legs were like rubber but I salvaged some scrap of strength and swayed out of her way.  The air behind her was fragrant with the scent of gardenias.  Gardenias that had once been flowers but then were mashed and macerated into an unrecognizeable form that emanated beauty that was too intense to endure. 

MORAL: Don’t even think about knocking over Loni Anderson.  Seriously.

Man, I say that all the time.  It’s like a motto.  Possibly a credo.

Well, if she had fallen on her front she would at least have had some major cushioning. And you would have had an even better story. And of course a high-heeled shoe up your butt.

i think your high-school days were a lot more interesting than mine.

i wrote about 15 fan letters and eventually got a postcard back from michael j. fox, but i think it was rubber-stamped.

brushes with fame ...

hey.........i was watching The China Syndrome yesterday, and had never realized that it was filmed at my alma mater, CalArts! what a trip to look up and see the ol’ Main Building!!

also, Jimmie Hampton was in it.  do you remember him, chuckles? he was a local valley guy.

Was Jimmy H a little guy?  Otherwise, no I don’t think I recall, but there were a hell of a lot of us....

And if Loni had fallen face first onto my back, I’d still have reverse torpedoes bored through my back.  I tell ya - piledrivers, this woman had for boobies.  Yow.

i went to school with jimmie’s daughter.  jimmie was a smallish guy, who often played down-south hillbilly types, or officious lower management types in bad suits.  very 1970s.

i had forgotten about him until i saw him in the movie yesterday. still can’t recall his kid’s name.