Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Public Safety Announcement: Autobondage

In a compelling example of synergistic snark, I’d been working on a bit of a listy thing for a few days when I read THIS essay by one of the ‘sphere’s more profound commentators.  Mr. A’Plenty has turned his ‘tude toward the now-ubiquitous phrase, Clickit or Ticket.  He claims that didn’t know what it meant.  This strikes me as equally probable as Monica Goodling’s “That other guy did it,” or that story about using your cell phone to turn off your car alarm.  But anyway.

My point is, I knew what those Clikit signs meant when I first saw them.  However, I never really liked them, from a literary standpoint.  At the least, I thought that this phrase should have been one of several mottos defending public safety on the open roads.  Goodness knows it’s an important issue.  Why should we leave it to a single catchphrase?  Hell, I figured, I could come up with a whole raft of slogans, along the line of Burma Shave ads or something. 

So, what the hey – here they are: Alternatives for the Click It or Ticket campaign:

· Strap It or Slap It
· Stow It or Blow It
· Engage It or Enrage It
· Invest It or Arrest It
· Supply It or Deny It
· Bind It or Reminded
· Restrain It or Explain It
· Insert It or Exert It
· Expound It or You’re Grounded
· Invest It or Arrested
· Align It or Fine It
· Buckle It or Truculent
· Geist-Zeit It or Cite It
· Extirpate It or Incarcerate It
· Please Use Your Goddamn Seatbelts

America’s Highways: You are most welcome.  Coming soon: my list of “or” ultimatums.  There’s so much to list, and so little time to list it…

I was not exaggerating; I have a powerful ability to tune out messages and information that doesn’t directly interest me. This is why I continue to know nothing about sports.  Your last one strikes me as a masterpiece of both simplicity and effectiveness. Marketeers should take note.

appropriately enough, i saw a bumper sticker today that read:
“please put it in.
it’s the law.”

nasty.
that kind of stuff shouldn’t be allowed in public.
it needs to stay in the bedroom. where it rightfully belongs!
why, i never!
uhm…

Align it or Corzine it.

We used to brag that NJ had the highest taxes - now we brag that we have the most reckless governor. it’s not much but we work with what we’ve got.

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