Thursday, April 03, 2003

Since my dear friend asked

Since my dear friend asked me to think of the things I always say, I’ve been keeping a (lame) mental tally.  And here’s what I’ve noticed: in general conversation, I tend to use a lot of words, and a lot of different words.  Frankly, there aren’t a lot that I notice I use disproportionately more than others.  Well, maybe “disproportionately.” And “frankly.” But those aren’t any fun. 

The thing I did start noticing was that I am a somewhat atypical curser.  I know and enjoy a wide variety of curse words, profanities and vulgarities, ranging from the standard models appearing on bathroom stalls nationwide, to complex constructions of withering erudition, to raunchy gross-outs for the seventh-grader with an attitude and a mouth full of chocolate milk and jello.  But the curses I most often utter are not too popular with the Jr. High crowd.  I tend to use a lot of Archaic Derisives: words that may no longer be much in use to describe disgust or things held in disdain.  More often than not I find myself saying one of these things in a public setting before I realize how stupid it sounds to the people around me, and as they slowly turn their heads in disbelief that someone is still expressing himself, in the company of adults, in such watered-down terms.  But on it goes, and every day I wind up saying something that I mean to be harsh but only makes people giggle at me.  And since that’s pretty much what the world most needs at this time - more people laughing at me (and a practical fuel-cell engine, but don’t get me started on that) - I present for general delectation a list of the strongest words I’m embarassed to use:

* Struth: “S’truth”, from “God’s truth.  A Monty Python import.  Also a play with Lawrence Olivier and Michael Caine, in which someone is called a “mendacious bollock of satan.” Almost got in trouble in class for that one, but the teacher only knew what ‘of’ and ‘satan’ meant.
* Paugh: an automatopoeiazation of a snort of disgust.  I think I saw it in some Victorian or Edwardian crap I read in high school.  It sounds tougher than it looks, I think because of all the inaspirated letters.
* Fudge: I use this one a lot.  Unfortunately, it hasn’t resulted in anyone actually giving me fudge, though I may have avoided some packing thereof.  So far so good, anyway.
* Twaddle: This is so much fun to say I have a hard time looking properly derisive when I say it.
* I’ll be dipped: A genuine hick taught me this one.  He was no dummy but he was boring as boiled dirt.  When something surprised him he alway said this, and it was the only thing I found palatable about working with him.  I like how the phrase leaves out in what I’ll be dipped - the omission is inherently provocative.  Not unlike myself.
* Horsepucky: I’m particularly ashamed of this one.  I feel like a coot when I hear myself saying it.  It tends to undercut the purity of my disdain for whatever I’m cursing at.
* Addlepate: This one is handy for a lot of corporate uses.  I think it may have a future.
* Lord love a duck: A statement of surprise, more than derision.  I don’t know why it’s embedded in my brains so deeply that I can’t stop myself saying it even when I know people are just looking for a reason to point and laugh at me.  And have you taken a close look at some of those ducks?  If that’s love, sign me up for the alternative.
* Fiddlesticks: I was saying this from an early age, before I knew that the word had been co-opted by Gone With the Wind.  It just runs so trippingly off the tongue that I can’t deprive myself of it.  It’s dismissive but lighthearted.  Not unlike myself.
* Sic Semper Tyranus: I learned this one at an early age too, and thought it belonged here with the GWTW reference, because this is what Booth yelled as he leapt to the stage of Ford’s Theater after shooting Lincoln.  It means, “thus always to tyrants.” This one, I usually mutter under my breath during lengthy meetings or when ugliness is dumped unceremoniously into my inbox.  Really, it has a million uses. 
* Criminy: I started this word only within the last ten years or so.  I think it was invented as a substitute for the name of the big JC.  It sounds a bit plaintive, as if something was ruining my childhood.  Naturally, I have many opportunities to make just such a complaint, so this word is in frequent use.
* Tripe: punchy, to the point.  It’s not a food, it’s punishment.  When Kel was young her mom once served them tripe and told them it was fish.  Talk about feeding them a plate of tripe.  Q.E.D.

Now you’re prepared to vent your spleen without offending even the most rectitudinous among us.  Go with God.  (But don’t call him by his given name, right?  Some people can’t take a joke.)