Wednesday, June 04, 2003
The Tippling Point: Redi Or
The Tippling Point: Redi Or Not
Wednesday at noon-thirty is the Tipping Point. From here on, I’m getting inexorably closer to my next weekend, instead of farther away from my last one. In honor of this auspicious moment, I’ll share my notes on a product I saw up in the Anderson Valley at Greenwood Cellars winery. It’s a hippy-dippy place with tie-dyed banners and reggae music playing in the tasting rooms, up-classed with beautifully manicured grounds and a lovely pond with a picnic island. My favorite part, though, was the little rotating display case of canned wine. Most of it was from Europe, and the 80’s - a lot of Hock wine, which is no longer fashionable, and a lot of stuff to be served “over ice.”
Generally the cans were very similar and unimaginative, but one bore closer inspection: a can of “Redi-Shot” with a Nebraska state “light wine” liquor tax stamp over the pull-tab. It looked old - maybe from the 60s. It was a 10 ounce can, green with chunky white sans-serif lettering. It was produced and bottled by the Redi-Shot Manufacturing Company, Denver Colorado USA. (To distinguish it from some wannabe Denver south of the border, or a Potemkin Denver in Siberia’s icy wastelands, I guess). Down the left side of the can were the directives: “Luck” “Cheers” “Here’s to You”; on the right were “Here’s How” “Bottoms Up” and “Luck” again, either because 1) someone was drinking on the job and spaced out or 2) anyone drinking from this can needed all the luck he could get.
This product is 6% alcohol by volume and claims to be “A carbonated specialty made with wine, sugar, water, flavoring material, ascorbic acid and less than 1/10th of 1% benzoate of soda as a preservative.” We are instructed by the label: “Pour over ice / It’s ready to serve.”
Maybe it’s ready to serve - I may not be ready to drink. I like wine, but this stuff I’m not too sure about. First, it’s a “specialty.” Not just a beverage. I get suspicious when my canned wine claims to be a “specialty.” I have doubts it’s even an “ordinary-ity.” In fact I suspect it’s probably a “sub-standard-ity.” Note to Redi-Shot: alcohol is supposed to give ME delusions of grandeur, not to indulge in them itself. When I want “specialties” I know where to find them and it’s not a can of wine from Denver. Next, I note that the winemakers have added sugar, water, ascorbic acid and benzoate of soda to reduce alcohol content to about half of what I usually drink. This doesn’t bode well for the delicacy of the vintner’s craft. I’m confirmed in this suspicion by the inclusion of “flavoring material” among the ingredients. I guess this distinguishes them from “flavoring concepts” or “flavorless material.” It seems euphemistic, like something is being left out of the description. “This stuff still tastes like donkey wee. Can’t we flavor it up at all?” “Sure, sommelier Chugmeister - I have a cherry lifesaver and some leftover auto coolant, they’re both sweet and tasty.” “Are these physical objects or theoretical constructs, Herr Corkwhiffer?” “Oh they’re material entities all right - in fact, the lifesaver is kind of linty.” “Then we’ll just call them by their generic name and preserve our trade secret - that wine tastes better when you add crap to it.”
Anyway, their wine probably tastes better that way. I have my standards. They may be low, but they’re there. Redi-Shot wouldn’t have made the mark, even when I was in college. I don’t do shots of wine. Some things, we’re meant to shoot - mescal, alcohol in jello, everclear flavored with nyquil - drinks the enjoyment of which is impaired by the tasting thereof. These drinks have as their saving grace a high alcohol content. Redi-Shot is watered down and still tastes like Mad Dog’s juvenile delinquent second cousin. I may be redi for a lot of things, but I don’t need any of that shot.
