Friday, October 31, 2003
Things You Really Shouldn’t Read
The director of my department gave everybody little halloween giftpacks (or ~paqs) to improve our sullen dispositions for this most joyous of events. I have already consumed all the obviously edible items but I’m left with two more things that aren’t clearly food, and aren’t clearly not. One is a “Halloween Clicker Licker Pop” which looks like an insane jackolantern with skeleton shoulders and arms held up to either side of its “head;” the body appears to be a lollypop built into a whistle. If you shake it from side to side the head bangs back and forth against the faux-bone fists and makes a charmingly creepy skeletal clicking noise. There is an ingredient list on it, as there is an ingredient list on the other questionable item I got - a set of wax lips and fangs that proudly claims to have a “NEW! Improved Flavor!” The back of the fang package (that’s a pretty phrase, ‘fang package’) expands on the improvement of the flavor by reiterating the above-referenced statement and adding “Softer Chew!” Yeah, if I had a nickle for every time I had to shout that out in the dark…
The Clicker Licker’s ingredients are as follows: Sugar, Corn Syrup, Buffered Lactic Acid, Artificial Flavor, Artificial Color (FD&C Blue 1). My response: I’m glad they added some artificial flavor, otherwise it would have tasted too much like the buffered lactic acid I had for lunch. Furthermore, which one did FD&C blow? Was it mine? I have no recollection of any such contact with FD&C. But it’s been a busy day. Maybe they’ve got a softer chew too.
The FunGum Fang’s ingredients are as follows: Fully refined wax chewing gum base, Sugar, Artificial Flavor, Soya Lecithin, Colors Added: Red 40 Lake, Yellow 5 Lake, Yellow 6 Lake, Titanium Dioxide (kosher). My response: I’m glad they didn’t use the partially refined wax chewing gum base, that would have been too crude for a person of my sophistication. I’m surprised that they needed two different colors of Yellow; couldn’t they have just gone with Yellow 11 Lake and be done with it? Oh and extra credit if you can tell me what the “Lake” means in these color names, it sounds like they just go to some vast subterranean reservoir of artifical color and dip into it ("Hey Milo get down to the Blue 5 Lake and ladle me up a bucket or two!") And of course, I’m glad the titanium dioxide is kosher, though they failed to identify whether it was meat or dairy. Can you imagine a world when candy was titanium dioxide free? God knows I’m trying…
Have a happy halloween. Unless you’re undead, in which case, kick some living ass and see ya next year, ya freaking zombie, ya.
