Wednesday, May 19, 2004
Time to Redecorate
It’s an incremental process, but it looks like the “office” is completely painted now, and all that remains is the master bedroom, the long hallway, and the living room and dining rooms. It’s always like pulling teeth with my landlady to get permission to do stuff around the flat; she’s equally cheap and paranoid, which is a most restrictive combination indeed. We have to ask her permission each time we want to paint a new room, and now that we finally finished the last one, I’m gearing up for the next request. I got tired of the same old reason, though - that we want to “freshen the place up.” It’s true, but it’s so weak. I started making a list of the real reasons we want to paint, and then I started adding in the reasons I’d like to give her just to see whether she demands to install surveillance cameras:
* Not painted in at least fifteen years
* Last painted with world’s ugliest shade of beige
* Centrifuge mishap
* Food fight
* Unfortunate lesson in poultry farming
* Combination of wall-mounted cuspidors and bad aim
* Projectile emesis party
* Habitually drink only warm soda from well-shaken cans
* Conclusion of smelting operations
* A visit from the Vaseline King
I tell you, this guy’s too slick for his own good.
that's just the way it seemed to me at 05:59 PM
Trivia note: “A Visit from the Vaseline King” was Michael Jackson’s favorite children’s story to read to his visiting guests.
Posted by Greg
on 05/19 at 08:05 PM
If you decorate aren’t you ‘enhancing’ her property?
Posted by Anji
on 05/20 at 04:40 AM
Oh man, that is an awesome article. Just when I thought I’d imagined every human oddity, you surprise me again. Thanks, Chuckles!
Posted by Almost Lucid (Brad)
on 05/20 at 12:55 PM
how about, “i’m going to paint room X because it’s easier than simply painting my eyeballs the same color, you stupid slumlord. now are you going to let me paint? or does dan have to choke a bitch?”
ps: i’m scared of the vaseline king.
Posted by bryan
on 05/20 at 01:07 PM
I’d be happy to choke a bitch on spec, if that’s the way the system works. And yes, I enhance her property by painting it (though not with petroleum jelly, maybe just the mint kind), but really, I enhance her property just by living in it, by my very presence! Hell, she should be paying me to live there, and hiring Hooters girls to paint it any color I demand. Then again, she should do a lot of things.
I’m going to start a list. *) Paint my apartment. *) Peel me another grape. *) Get some “good taste” genes spliced into your goddamn DNA, pronto. *) One of those flying platforms with a propeller underneath it would be cool too, like a hovercraft crossed with a segway. *) While you’re at it, finish this list. And quickly. I’m a busy man.
Posted by dan
on 05/20 at 01:35 PM
And then come over and paint my house too, my landlord won’t care because he’s in Japan.
Posted by Miss Bliss
on 05/20 at 06:30 PM
Assuming, however, she knows what a centrifuge is - I’d use that one. It’s the one closest to the truth after all.
Posted by Kim
on 05/23 at 11:27 AM
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