Thursday, May 13, 2004
TIVOR IS MY BITCH
(written last week)
Tonight I come home to triumph, in the form of The Daily Show and South Park. I really enjoy both shows but I never bothered to figure out when they were on so I could either see them or tape them… Instead, I’d just whine about going to bed too early and being a bad planner.
Well, in the words of FCC Chairman Mike “Daddy Used to Be A Man” Powell, God’s Machine is in the house. Or hizzouse, was it? Either way, TiVo showed up not long ago and I thought my days of Colbert Deficit Syndrome and A-Kartman-itis were over. All I had to do was unpack, plug in, and start suckling at the video teat like the piglet that I am.
Yeah, right. Turns out, TiVo isn’t exactly plug-n-play. Step 1, of course, was to move the big heavy media cabinet away from the wall. Step 2 was to repack my hernias and screw back on a couple of fingers that snapped off during Step 1. Then I got to pull the tape deck out of the stereo - it’s now barely solete* and anyway when TiVo goes under the TV, the VCR has to move to where the tape deck used to live… This also involved re-wiring the equalizer and changing the VCR-TV cabling. But I actually pulled it all together on the first try, and better than ever. The hardware, as they say, was established.
I went through TiVo Setup next, part of which includes telling TiVor (the actual TiVo god) what kind of cable subscription I have. I checked my bill: Expanded Basic. But TiVor giveth me not this choice on his screen of options - I could only pick basic, exTENDED (not ~PANDED) basic, and “rebuilt” versions of each of these. I took a wild guess and selected exTENDED basic, finished setup, waited 4 to 8 hours for TiVor to digest my data, and then ordered me up some South Parks and Daily Shows. The next morning I awoke to five shows recorded for me overnight - four I’d asked for, and one “bonus” suggestion from TiVor himself.
All day at work I envisioned coming home and cueing up some good animated juvenile cursing. BUT IT WAS NOT TO BE. When I got home I hit up TiVor and selected a South Park from my new collection. The program that came on the tube was, instead, The Cosby Show. What the hell? DELETE. I tried another South Park: Roseanne. DELETE. Next try: not South Park, but rather Full House - big fat Dee-LEETE. Daily Show? No, more Cosby - dump it again. And my bonus “suggestion”? It was a talk show featuring an interview with a lovely young woman who used a porcupine doll illustrate how she’s married to Jesus now. Is there a way to ultra-delete?
It seemed I’d told TiVor to record programs on the wrong channels. I went through setup again, selected the basic cable package. I waited 4 to 8 hours to let TiVor see my future clearly and then I tried to sign up for South Park again. This time, TiVor didn’t even think I got the Comedy Channel. What the hell is cable for, if not the Comedy Channel? What kind of madness had taken over my world? I was freaking out, and not exactly in the good way.
Frustrated, I called Comcast Cable and spoke to a cheerful customer service representative who ejikated me: I’ve got rebuilt standard. Re-run setup; re-wait 4 to 8 hours. Ask for South Park. No South Park. In desparation, re-run setup, this time selecting Rebuilt Expended or Distended or whatever the hell option was still left to me. Wait overnight. Ask TiVor to record The Daily Show. Come back that night: I HAVE THE DAILY SHOW. Now, finally, I am TiVoid. Look upon me, commercials, and tremble!
Remaining problem: what about those damn books I’m still supposed to read?
Update: Drowning in South Parks, loving The Daily Show (John McFreakingCain!) - and now my conquest is complete: I’ve turned off TiVo suggestions (Andy Griffith? The Nanny? What kind of twaddle do they think I watch? Give me my cartoons!) and configured the remote to control basic TV functions too. The instructions weren’t exactly accurate but they were close enough. TiVor does my bidding now. TiVor is my bitch.
* “solete:” opposite of “obsolete."
