Saturday, September 04, 2010
Uncommon Courtesy
"Common courtesies” are supposed to be the basic level of human civility. SUPPOSED TO BE. I don’t know about you but I’m getting tired of waiting for “common courtesy.” If such courtesies happened to be offered to me, I suspect I’d no longer be satisfied with them. Henceforward, I demand UNCOMMON COURTESIES:
* Building a new seat for a disabled rider on a crowded bus by hotgluing together stacks of transfers and schedule books.
* Rappelling face-first commando-style down the facade of the building to catch the door for a neighbor with groceries
* Helping elderly pedestrians cross the street by bearing them on a shoulder-mounted palanquin
* Expiating the sin of a mid-meal belch with fondue fork and crab hammer self-flagellation
* Thank-you note engraved on gold ingot delivered by nubile terpsichores in recognition of Administrative Assistants’ Day
* Tipping the barrista with uncut diamonds
* Cleaning up before supper by washing hands and lasering off the more offensive tattoos
* Buying the next round of drinks at the bar, plus an accompanying seven-course seasonal tasting menu
* Signaling the intent to turn while driving with a widescreen roof-mounted GPS display and march-along flag squad
* Taking the last cup of coffee from the office urn, emptying the grounds, composting them, using the soil to grow a new coffee plant, picking the beans, cutting down the plant and burning it to roast them, grinding the beans, and then, you know, making a fresh pot of coffee.
* Holding the elevator for slow-moving riders by means of the jaws of life
* Busing your table with a real bus
* Changing the goddamn toilet paper roll
The rules have changed. The players had better be paying attention. This will be your only warning.
