Tuesday, February 03, 2004
YOU CAN’T SPELL CONSTITUTION
Let’s talk about the big stuff: Morality. Patriotism. Paternalism. Nipples. Oops, you didn’t hear that from me.
The U.S. of A. just celebrated its own unique holiday: the Superbowl is as purely a product of our country and culture as festivals of thanksgiving started as part of ancient polytheistic civilizations, and annual national days of commemoration are a product of 19th century romanticism. This day of steroids and ad dollars is such a profound expression of our national character that it is arguably the most American thing that happens in this country all year long. Huge tv audiences, billions of dollars spent and wagered, the focus of the broad pasty midsection of the american people honed in on 60 minutes of gridiron action - plus…
It’s that “plus” that got CBS, NFL, MTV, and Janniton Timberjack into trouble. For the spectacular “never-tedious” halftime show, and as many of us already know, JJ got into hot water when JT tore off her top and revealed a bare naked boobie - if I may be so bold - in the middle of a riotously packed football field in a crowded stadium on national, international, and intergalactic television. While even now, our brave troops are fighting for our freedom overseas, no less. Needless to say, America Is Outraged. Sure, nipples are gender-neutral, non-execretory body parts. No matter. Our collective sensibilities are utterly outraged by having viewed this benign flap of mammalian flesh for 1/3 of a second. “Nipples” - if you’ll pardon the expression - are offensive and dirty. The FCC is up to its ears in it now, and the wires are burning up with the Nipplegate controversy. What a lot of energy and attention for one fleeting glimpse of lactating protruberance.
It may be hard to tell from my written words but I’m mining a rich vein of irony here. Here’s why: I hear next to nothing about Kid Rock’s Costume. He kept his skeezy body under wraps, much to america’s relief, but he jumped onto the stage wearing a US Flag like a poncho, his head thrust through a hole in the middle. Now, there doesn’t appear to be much of a groundswell of support for a constitutional amendment to prohibit nipple displays, even when the nipple itself has been desecrated (in this case, pierced and festooned with a big happy sun). Nonetheless, such behavior offends us to the core of our moral fibre and becomes a cause celebre. Then again, there are plenty of moral watchdogs trying to make flag desecration illegal. Sure, it’s just a way of communicating an idea, but some people think that the idea of that idea, the mere use of flag desecration as a means of communication of any sort, is too dangerous to be permitted. Anyone seeking to express himself through flag descecration might be guilty of a federal crime.
UNLESS: Unless your message is, let’s watch football, or Buy American, or Let’s Kick Somebody’s Ass, America - commercial, entertainment, and pro-establishment messages use flags all the time, often cutting them into shreds or using them as do-rags or blankets or any number of other abuses. Flags are covered with mud and ripped to pieces on the aerials of patriotic cars and light trucks all across this great country. That’s all okay. Your heart is in the right place. It’s when you espouse an unpopular viewpoint that using the flag becomes problematic. Almost as bad as exposing the human breast. Luckily, Kid Rock is on the side of cheap watery beer and internal combustion engines and mulletheads everywhere, so his use of the sacred flag gets a constitutional pass on the basis of content, context and intention. And luckily, we don’t need a constitutional amendment to make possession of bare nipples illegal. God already passed one, right? The “nudity is evil” act, promulgated by the Almighty by and through his (yes, His) faithful and zealous servants. Flout it at your peril.
Well I’ve got news for you flag-waving hypocrites with your proposed amendment: YOU CAN’T SPELL CONSTITUTION WITHOUT TIT.
