Monday, February 02, 2004
You’ve Been Warned
People have been asking me, at an increasing rate, to append a warning to this site due to, as one correspondent put it, the “snorkling” by readers of the Chucklehut of a variety of beverages into their respective nasal cavities. I do not pursue this matter out of pride or self-satisfaction - though I am flattered and thank each of you nose-chokers to the bottom of your capacious sinuses. It’s long been a special talent of mine to make people laugh drinks out of their noses. Really, I have a rep for this in some circles. It’s intriguing to me that I can still touch people in this special way through the internet, ramming coffee and pepsi up even the imaginary nares of the alleged readers of this site.
But the point is, I’m torn. I don’t want to hurt people. The Chuckehut is about wry cynicism - just the strangled half-laugh of the congenitally clenched, not all-out aspirate-Spirulina-across-your-monitor hilarity. Yet I have no control over the effect my subtle ways may have on you. Maybe I’m inured to my own sense of the absurd. Maybe I need to be more thoughtful of those fragile sprites who cannot laugh with the rest of us. Maybe a warning is in order.
So how can you, o gentle and trusting reader, protect yourself from occasionally being amused by this site beyond the modest levels of levity to which I aspire? In the evergreen spirit of Happy Fun Ball, I hereby propose the following dire warnings - and don’t say I didn’t tell you:
Warning: Do not rouse or startle Chucklehut.
Warning: Do not remind Chucklehut about “that incident.”
Warning: If Chucklehut appears to be stalking you, scare Chucklehut away by throwing large items like plasma screen televisions, tivo recorders, digital cameras and ipods.
Warning: I’m not sure that cheese is still good.
Warning: Mind the Chucklegap.
Warning: Chucklehut is closer than it appears in your monitor.
Warning. Chucklehut may collapse to a singularity, potentially rending the fabric of spacetime.
Warning: Look out for that big OW goddamnit
Warning: that creepy guy from the laundromat is still hanging around outside.
Warning: Chucklehut isn’t going to stand for this indefinitely. Eventually Chucklehut is going to decide that enough is enough.
If you don’t feel safer now, you’d better just stop reading. Everybody knows where that can lead.
