Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Transmision Complete: A Journey Through Strange Lands, plus a look forward to looking backwards

It has been a long time since I’ve allowed myself to write much more than the story I’ve been birthing for a few months or so already. I transcribed some new text recently and compiled the chunks - at 10,000 words, it’s my heftiest piece of drivel in years. I’m enjoying the process of seeing where it takes me and not cutting corners on the trip, but as is so often the case when one is a-birthing, sometimes I feel like taking a break from it. For me, that break is this: a return to my bloggy roots with a few observations from last week’s adventure on the city’s streets.  Call it a literary epidural.  See if I care. 

Two weeks ago the car needed to go back to the shop - transmission (hereabouts you can’t call them “trannies") issues resurfaced and the vee-dub underwent several days of evaluation and repair. It was ready for pick-up last Tuesday evening so I went after work to a part of town I rarely otherwise visit - not far in miles from my office but surey a world away. I chose to make it an adventure, and here’s my tripartite travelogue:

1. I picked up the 27 bus at Market and Magnin, a bizarre bus stop at a bizarre intersection. The crowd that poured onto that bus, when it finally arrived, was radically mixed - thugs and housekeepers, zaydehs and hotties, all manner of persons from the lower orders of this city’s social structure. The night was damp and the bus, having arrived empty, was packed before I could even board it. When it pulled away every seat was filled and the aisle was jammed with humanity.

As we inched south on 5th with painful slowness, I couldn’t help but notice some faces that stood out among my fellow riders. The man next to me, for example, I would have judged to have been in his 50s, his round face very pink and his skin looking unusually soft, with a nice digital SLR hanging around his neck. He didn’t carry it, or himself, like a local. Then, before I’d fully processed what to make of him, I noticed a very tall white man hovering over some seats at the rear of the bus, which seats were themselves occupied by two white women, one tall and slim and youthful, and one older with white hair combed severly back. They all seemed huddled together, their proximity intimating to me a family resemblance: a brother and sister, with their mom. I wondered where on this gritty bus line they could be headed. They stood out like navy beans in a pot of pintos.

As I watched them I could feel eyes on the back of my head and turned to find their owner: a white woman in her middle years, hawkfaced and unsmiling, layered in color-coordinated windbreaker and sweater, her hair in a rigid comb-back. I caught her looking at me and smiled disarmingly.  She declined to return the gesture.

The bus was barely moving through the holiday traffic, so I called home to check in. After I hung up I looked around again and saw the hard woman sitting near me was looking back to the tall man and the two women with him. They all four communicated wordlessly up and down the length of the big bus with anxious glances and shrugs, peering around the masses interpolated between them. Then they all turned their gazes to the pink-faced man standing beside me. He avoided my eye as I watched him convey ambiguous messages back to the others and forward to the hard looking woman, who saw me watching and assumed an indignant expression at my invasion of their privacy.  For gods sake, woman, this was a very crowded public conveyance.  She had no reasonable expectation of privacy for me to invade in the first place.

There they remained, the five of them, on a terribly overcrowded and basically motionless bus, separated and isolated from each other, visibly uncomfortable and actively doing nothing about it.  I tried to read what they were saying to each other.  I think it had to do with wanting to get off the bus but being rightly afraid that, despite the slowness and crowdedness of the ride, it was better than what they’d face outside on the dark and empty streets south of Market. 

We reached Harrison street - my stop.  I announced to those blocking my path that I was coming off, and made my way past them and out.  As I pushed past the camera-toting guy, the whole family watched me with something approaching envy.  I left them behind me and took to the cool, quiet pavement.  I think they were from Germany.  They certainly seemed very far from home. 

2.  One block south of Harrison at 5th is the homeless shelter at Bryant.  As I approached it on foot I could see, in the gloom of the early winter evening, into the broad bank of upstairs windows, and there I saw a metal frame bunk bed and weary looking man standing next to it.  He seemed to be weraing a t-shirt and boxers, or perhaps just baggy cotton pants.  In his hands was a jacket, or maybe a sport coat, which I could tell even from a distance was well-worn to the verge of shapelessness.  The man seemed to be standing next to a chair that I couldn’t see from my vantage below him, but he looked to be trying to drape the jacket over it.  With broad, gentle gestures he folded the coat in half, smoothing it with the back of his hand.  He did this several times, folding it, smoothing it, refolding it, refolding it again, resmoothing it… He’d lay it over the chair (or wherever he was laying it), then would pick it up again by the collar and resmooth it some more.  In the minute or so I watched him up there as I approached the intersection and waited for lights to change at my crosswalk, I saw him set it down and pick it up again at least five times.

The light changed; I went to cross the street.  The man upstairs at St Vincent’s Shelter picked up his jacket one last time, refolded it, resmoothed it, and then paused.  Finally, his weariness spilling from him out the window and down into the street below, he tossed the jacket aside like a used hamburger wrapper and walked away from it without a look backwards. I turned east in my heavy warm coat, and walked half a block to the transmission shop. 

3.  Halfway through my half-block walk I passed a patch of unkempt ivy that covered an undeveloped strip of land under the elevated span of the central expressway.  As I passed it, I noticed two residents of that barren space: a homeless man’s encampment against one fence, his ratty tent surrounded by overflowing bags of garbage, possessions, and things that were a blend of both at once; and a big glossy rat that raced through the undergrowth with bright eyes and a sense of invincibility, tracking my movement as I walked with some alarm, quickening my pace. The rat stopped when the ivy stopped. I continued for a few storefronts farther to my destination. 

Once there I entered at the big garage door, wide enough for three cars, made a quick turn, and waited in the open-doored office area.  The proprietor was at work on a computer in a back room so I bided my time, got a quarter’s worth of Hot Tamales from a vending machine, ate them, kept waiting. 

A few minutes later the shopkeeper rolled out to attend to me and we breezily discussed the repairs he’d made, the weather, the generosity of his candy dispenser.  He turned back to his desk to complete some notations, and that’s when I saw something run past us.  It was bigger than a kitten; its tail was long and naked.  I froze in place.  It had zipped by less than a yard from my shoes.

“Um, dude, I think a rat just ran past me.” It had scurried through the office and into the back stockroom.  George looked at me with the word “So?” written so plainly on his face that he didn’t need to say it aloud.  I continued, thinking perhaps he’d misunderstood me, “A big one.  Like this.  It came from there, and it ran in there.” I used hand gestures.  My vocabulary seemed inadequate to the task. 

George sat back in his chair.  “Yeah, we get a lot of rats around here.  Can’t really keep’em out.  They live in that ivy patch under the freeway.  Go over across the street, there’s a storm drain - you can see’em there going back and forth, a whole train of them, all night long.  Hundreds of ‘em.”

“Really.”

“Oh yeah.  You know, springtime and summer, every morning when we get here we find six or eight of them in our dumpster in the back.  The trash gets picked up on Thursdays, so Monday, Tuesday, sometimes Wednesday there’s not enough trash in it for them to climb out again, so they’re stuck in there and somebody’s gotta go in and kill’em with a shovel.  Every day.  And then the next day they’re back in there again.  So, yer trannie’s all fixed up now; we replaced the wiring harness.  Drive safe, ‘k?”

All I could do was nod and move on.  I didn’t care for the rats I’d seen, but I didn’t like bludgeoning them to death much better.  The car, however, is running great.  Thanks for asking. 

And now it’s the end of the year, innit?  I doubt I’ll get back with another post for this decade.  Popular punditry has it, and I’m inclined to agree, that it’s been among the worst decades ever.  We could talk about why but you already know.  Regardless, it hardly seems fitting to end it by beating rodents into pulp with shovels.  I would fain conclude with more uplifting sentiments. Thusly:

As I complained vociferously on this very blog about two months ago, I lost my writing book, the 5x8 spiral notebook where I take notes and write stories and essays, where I unpack my brains while riding the bus and jot critical forget-me-nots when I find myself unexpectedly expected to remember something.  Anyway, I lost it, the notebook, in a men’s room at work.  How I happened to leave it there is immaterial - the point is, I lost it and it was gone, taking with it, as I recalled, ten pages of a short story in progress, notes about school registration for Zach, recollections of my kids’ childhood foibles that I wanted to preserve, some insurance info about the accidents that befell us earlier in the year… lots of stuff, all of it deeply meaningful and important to me. 

I was back looking for it the next work day, but it was already gone.  My phone number was prominently listed on the back cover; it would have been easy to return it to me, but someone found it, saw that it was filled with handwritten notes (truly it was almost full), and decided simply to dispose of it.  That rankled, people.  It depressed me.  I detested my own absentmindedness, the selfishness and stupidity of others too lazy and ignorant to return my clearly-marked possessions to me, the cruelty of fate.  It took me nearly a month to get over it and start writing again, trying to make up finally for what I’d lost, to the extent that I ever even could. 

As I rebuilt the missing pieces of my story, I discovered that I liked my new version better.  I started getting some creative traction, took some important notes in a new notebook that I’d bought under protest but was growing rather to prefer over the old one after all.  I liked the mellow grey cover and double dividers and the ruler on the front page protector. About a month in, I ceased to mourn for the old book.  The new one had really taken its place. 

Three weeks ago, I got to work and visited the men’s room.  There, on a little shelf, sat my old notebook again, as if it had never gone missing.  Eureka!  It had returned to me, the prodigal scratchpad!  I felt it was a message, a lesson of some sort.  What was lost, will be found; what wandered, will return.  I was so relieved that it actually took me a while to page through the old notebook to remind myself of what I’d regained.  And in doing so, the real lesson really came to me: the old notebook contained almost nothing meaningful to me.  The notes, I’d transcribed from elsewhere and could have recreated.  The story I’d been writing, I had already improved upon.  The auto accident information was unnecessary - I’d already taken care of everything, and the incidents were closed.  And everything else in that notebook was either already transcribed to the blog, or was frankly unworthy of my attention let alone anyone else’s. 

In regaining the contents of that notebook, I regained absolutely nothing of value.  However, I did learn that sometimes people will borrow something you love but they may return it once you no longer need it; I learned how much better I can do than my own best efforts, and I learned that the value of a thing lies much more in how it’s remembered than in what it actually is.  Looking back at 2009, and the entire ten years of the aughts, I am now ready to let them go.  Maybe there is something of value in them still, but I’m ready to do better, and to burnish the memories instead of tinkering with the reality.  2009 and your naught-y confreres, I wish I could say it’s been fun, but I think I can say this instead: I look forward to looking back on you. 

Drive safely, blogging public.  I don’t have enough readers for any of you to get hurt celebrating the start of something that may be actually worth celebrating.  Catch you on the other side.... 

that's just the way it seems to me at 02:16 AM
street scenes • (2) Comments closedPermalinkPrint


Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Visual Crawful: The Photos I Failed to Post Until Today

Blast you, modern life!  With your mandatory tivo watching and your netflix’d multiseries (I finished BSG btw so it’s okay to tell me about “that thing you heard about Capricans") and your incessant laundry-folding and toy-putting-awaying and repetitive transmission-repairing and suchlike impediments to my creative exercises.... all of which is to say, all is well but my STOOPID DREYDEL STORY remains unfinished.  I’ve got ten more handwritten pages to transcribe, and another five or six yet to write, and I’m thinking, it’ll probably be done for Purim, so happy Tu Bishvat to one and all and I’ll just have to resort to something more pedestrian for this holiday-week’s post.

Hmm.  Pedestrian.  Holidays.  Who knows when you are sleeping, or awake?  Who had better not shout or cry?  Who had better be good, for the sake of all that’s holy?  What brings treats for the sweet, and tricks for the slick?  Am I blending my celebrations?  Well, as Whitman said, I am made of multitudes.  (Maybe he just said something like that, but not exactly that, but it’ll do.  Hell, maybe he said “I am matron underwood,” which sort of fits what I heard about him, but he was misunderstood.  And in that grand tradition of being misunderstood...) I am going to observe this holiday-era posting by sharing with you all the delights of the giving season: Halloween!  (If you can stand the pressure on your scrolling-finger, below the halloween photos will be cool-ass photos from the conservatory of flowers, and then some shots from the forebits of the december holidays, and maybe after that, some outdoor shots from Crissey Field.  Thanksgiving was not terribly photogenic, so you dodged that bullet.  THIS TIME.)

Halloween fell in October this year - barely. Let’s see what it brought us. 

First, it brought us a gourd - Mr Moldyface.  He was an illuminating character, though not too bright.
image

Zach went as a robot from a teevee show about a magical funky dj who brings toy dolls to life so they can learn important lessons about sharing and safety.  That’s probably why he chose to hang out with spiderman and dracula, for whom those values are of special importance. 
image

Jesse got outfitted as a, or perhaps the, devil.  I entitle this photograph, “angry devil is angry.” It reminds me of, um, angry. 
image

Soon enough, courteous safety robot assuaged devil’s anguish.  Robot loves devil.  Devil’s predelictions remain undetermined. 
image

Later that night, Devil walked the streets.  This is definitely the face of a devil that may, or may not, care. 
image

However, mom did care, and here she is making sure her glucose gang got to the “good” trick-r-treat houses without unnecessary contact with speeding cars.  Thanks, mom!
image

Devil wants to know what he’s getting into.
image

After forty-five minutes of “testing the take,” I think the boys hit the wall:
image

Once you’ve hit the wall, next is the inevitable come-down.  Lisa Simpson experienced it.  Now Safety Robot and Angry Devil know what it is to be reduced to protoplasm in a plastic suit.  So they’re ready for the workplace! 
image

Halloween treated us all right.  Then we woke up the next morning and it was December already, and time to visit the Conservatory of Flowers again to enjoy their display of model trains and recycled-product-cityscapes.  Plus their regular old coolness.  To wit:

This, for example, is regularly cool - the spires of the east wing and central section of the greenhouse.  I just like the way this one came out.
image

Inside the conservatory, the jewel glass that looks so boring from the outside really makes good on its name:
image

In the west wing of the conservatory, unlike some other west wings, there was no executive staff or anxious press corps or sheen of Martinization or whatever they have in the effete establishments back east.  No - this is Frisco, baby, and we’ve got cityscapes made of recycled products! Check it out:

This one includes the golden gate bridge, Bush street Chinatown gate, Academy of Sciences (with bumpy green roof), Ghiradelli Square, TransAm Pyramid, Japanese Tea Garden Pagoda, and the very conservatory in which this photo was taken.  If you have “infinite zoom” capacity on your computer, you can even see a recycled me inside the conservatory taking this photo!  Infinitastic!
image

Here’s more of the panorama - going from Ghiradelli and the Pyramid, to the old Fed building (made of cassette tapes!) and some old cool office block, a side view of victorian houses climbing up to coit tower, a cable car, the Ferry building and old Mission, the Castro theater, and a firehouse I don’t recognize.  You can even see Lombard Street curving down the hillside, and the top of Lotta’s Fountain.  Good stuff!
image

The Castro and victorians deserve a better view, and I’m only too eager to oblige:
image

And what is any San Francisco recycled-products panorama without - BUNNYTRAIN?  Nothing, that’s what.  Good old Bunnytrain.  Still haunting my dreams after all these weeks. 
image

Returning to the main body of the conservatory, I tried to replicate some photos of pitcher plants I took some years back but lost.  Hope you enjoy them - and remember, they’re carniverous, so watch what you say about them:
image

image

image

That’s enough of the Conservatory.  ENOUGH I SAY!  Let’s move on to “current events.”

We started with halldecking.  As a Jewish-type person, this is not an activity with which I was overly experienced, at least not in terms of electrified garland.  We used to spray fake snow on our front window, in solidarity with the maccabees, but I digress.  What I did this year was actually HANG LIGHTS.  FTW!  Observe my triumphant halldecking skills!!!11|||!
image

Zach noticed that our decorations were sort of xmas-heavy and wondered how to even the score.  Creative little champ that he is, he envisioned and then created (with maternal assistance) - the Channukah Sloth! 
image
(and yes, this is that sloth.)

And when it came time to light my de-waxed menorah, Zach made sure to set up a display featuring the best of both our household holidays, with Bitey the Nurtcracker keeping careful, talmudically-ordained watch over its flickering flames:
image

And let’s not forget that fateful Saturday on which we made schnecken with the family.  Here’s a photo of just a little piece of the total output:
image

It does your heart good to see that, especially if by “good” you mean “clogged with cholesterol and laboring to supply life-sustaining oxygen to a body engorged with food and bloated with fat”.  Which all brings me back to the clean, fresh, wholesome world I typically inhabit, so let’s wrap this up with a few photos from Crissey Field a few weeks ago:

image

image

image

That’s enough holiday cheer for you.  Go back to your mom’s basement and don’t let me hear a peep out of you till Easter, at which point, the Peeps will probably have the last say. 

that's just the way it seems to me at 03:05 PM
photos • (4) Comments closedPermalinkPrint


Wednesday, December 16, 2009

A Channukah Poem, with new Grinch-Related Holiday Evils and a bonus chunk of my short story

Let’s start with a seasonal note: it’s the sixth night of Channukah tonight and I have yet to make a formal acknowledgment of the festival.  We celebrated last Saturday with an extended family bake-off (extended family, extended baking) and then a major gathering of old and new friends (which featured - yes! - home-made shredded brisket mini pop-tarts with horseradish glaze - incredible and delicious!).  The car has a newly-rebuilt transmission, for the channukah miracle of automatic gear-shifting.  Zach ripped up his finger by sticking it where it didn’t belong - an important lesson for us all.  And now it’s time to say something particularly channukoid, so here’s my meditation on this year’s festival of lights:

Wax Off

For a week I’ve put it off
but now no more.  The time has come
to scrape the wax from my menorah.
Layers of color perhaps could remind me
of something uplifting -
Instead it’s just wax,
inconveniently dribbled.
I rustle a scraper and set in to work.
The job goes slowly.  Patience ebbs,
scraping up more aggravation
every time I wield my skewer.
This whole thing is too much trouble
but of course it sooon won’t matter -
recalling now the bygone years,
menorah glinting, crowned with candles,
light eclipsing wax-scrape rage
I shan’t recall this tiresome chore
when setting flame to festive candles
But I don’t care, it’s irksome now,
digging dross from candlesockets
scraping clean the magen david
thirty-six angles of painstaking detail
it’s delicate work but it has its own rhythm
I do not realize at first
that I’ve stopped feeling quite so nettled
clearing out the long-cold wax
gold, red, blue, a violet blending
big chunks snapping cleanly off
I find the work has calmed me down
scrapings piling up to show me
all the progress I have made,
and all the flames that burned last year
return to me their bright potential.
Dunk it now in steaming water -
tiny specks of parrafin
float upwards to the placid surface;
down below, the naked metal
gleams in readiness again.
I am ready now as well:
Bring on the latkes, dreydels, gelt -
let’s light candles.
Flames are clean.

And now, a brief jaunt through the Chucklehut Liberry of Inappropriate Children’s Literature:

ADDITIONAL INVESTIGATIONS INTO GRINCH-RELATED HOLIDAY CRIMES

Why the Grinch Commits Channukah Atrocities
Who the Grinch Conspired With to Besmirch the Bacchanal
Which Druidic Circle was Streaked by the Grinch
When the Grinch TP’d Kwanzaa
Where the Grinch Desecrated Diwali
What the Grinch Did to Eid

Finally, because I would feel all scroogie if I didn’t dump a bucket of literary chum on your head, I’ve put another chunk of my chanukah story in the extended entry (special click-through required).  You don’t have to read it.  Don’t even encourage me.  I’ll be done with it soon enough, anyway, and the weekly guilt trips can stop.  In the meantime, don’t say I never gave you nothing, because this story is nothing if nothing else is.  Enjoy and be well, my blogwise friends. 

that's just the way it seems to me at 03:28 PM
playing with words • (1) Comments closedPermalinkPrint


Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Hanging Around - A Ready-Made Collection (Plus more of my damned story)

Not long ago I was sitting alone in a dark room on an uncomfortable chair, as I am wont to do, wondering what might make me an interesting person, were I ever to become one.  I could do something extraordinary, except for the inconvenience of thinking of something extraordinary to do and then the further inconvenience of actually doing it.  I could achieve notoriety, but since my present level of notoriety appears to be as notorious as I’m likely to get, and I’m fresh out of ideas to get more notorious that don’t involve me getting out of fuzzy pants and leaving my little apartment, this appears also to be a dead end.  I could even possibly become one of the World’s Sexiest People, but this would certainly mean that the word “sexy” had been redefined and the approbation attached thereto would likely ring somewhat hollow.  No, it seemed to me, the only way to become interesting was to find something interesting about my sitting-in-an-uncomfortable-chair-in-the-dark self, and convince people it was worth their attention.  And then it all made perfect sense.

Hangers.

Maybe it’s not making quite the kind of sense I’d like it to after all, but let me keep digging here and see if I can climb out of this treehouse.  Hangers might not strike you as The Epitome of Interestingness (which is, coincidentally, the name of my toegazer band) but they are more interesting than my sorry ass sitting in a hard chair in the dark.  Especially when one - me, for example - has such an amazing collection of decorative AND functional hangers already preserved in my special hanger containment zone (or “closet").

Hangers can be so much more than those wire jobbies that got such a bad rap from Mommy Dearest and various other unsavory associations.  Even a voluptuously-shaped wooden hanger can be as distant and empty of personality as an underwear model at a Car Show.  But once, my children (and surrogates), once, hangers said something.  Something enriching and exciting.  Something worth saying.  Something…

image

... something Silverwoods!  I am having trouble recalling actually shopping here; this surprises me, since I didn’t often shop in places that looked like this while I was growing up, and based on the deep wear-marks on this specimen (collectors have “specimens,” not “random crap lying around their closet floors"), I’ve had this hanger for a damn long time.  So this is a good example of a hanger that says something.  Unfortunately, it says something boring, in a boring way.  Let’s see if we can improve on this.  I’m all about setting a low bar, and then braining myself on it.

image

YES!  I am positive that I never shopped here.  I have no idea how I got this damn thing.  “Milton’s?” This is a place in a part of Philly I would have had to take a train and a llama to reach.  I would never have wandered in by happenstance.  Especially not from the look of their website, which makes this store seem like it’s the kind of place that just does not cater to the likes of me, in my hard chair in my cold (oh yes, it’s cold too) dark room.  And “Milton’s” just sounds like the kind of place that sells clothes I’d get beaten up on the playground for wearing.  “Quincy,” too, even though that’s technically a city or a commonwealth or whatever the hell they have in Massachusetts.  The only thing on this hanger that doesn’t sound like it would get me beaten up is “Chestnut Hill,” which sounds like a euphemism but a fun one.  However: This hanger does have two absolutely critical saving graces: first, it has that cool wiggly-S thing at the top, which is exactly how people used to sign the Declaration of Independence, which happened regularly both in Quincy and Chest Nut Hill back in “the day.” It is a very cool wiggly-S and I wish I could make one even remotely as Wiggly (without losing all the “S"-like qualities, as I typically do).  The other saving grace of this hanger is that I own it, so it’s easy to justify having it in my collection.  Otherwise I’d have to throw it away and I think it’s still got some quality hanging left in it.  Milton builds ‘em to last.  They wouldn’t have it any other way in Chesty Nut Hills.  I don’t care what they do in Quincy.  I’ll see them on the playground after lunch.

Let’s move on.

image

This place I remember.  They had the nicest inseam-measuring guy.  No gropes, no prods, it was all professional with those guys, on both sides of the equator.  And this seems to be echoed by the cool sophistication of the fellow on their hanger with his hands in his pockets.  Whether you are getting an academy award or just look like that Oscar dude, these tailors made you look like you were outlined in solid gold.  It’s a serious piece of hangermanship and I’m proud just to be able to look upon it every so often.

image

This one is easy.  I obviously have this hanger because I did so much business with the Crandall-McWhozits and Somebody company at some point well before I was born.  In fact, rigorous Googling reveals to me that this company apparently did cleaning of furniture and rugs for hotels in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania - where my father was born and raised, and where my paternal grandpappy lived till he was in his 80s, which, ironically, was in the 70s.  I guess he had his hotel furniture cleaned there and they returned it to him on this hanger.  No wonder people consider this particular kind of hanger so valuable nowadays.  Also noteworthy: the fun wavy metal thing they use to stick it together.  You just don’t see wavy metal wood-sticker-togethers like that much anymore.  Unless you’re me, and you can just check one out every time you visit your closet.  But even then, don’t overdo it.  Pacing is everything.

image

This has been a favorite of mine since my mom took me shopping at the huge Sears store on Laurel Canyon back when I thought anything at the huge Sears on Laurel Canyon could possibly be cool.  I think a denim jacket came on this hanger, but really, it matters not - the hanger was really the important thing; the jacket was just an excuse.  Look at the graphics on this, man!  The businesslike Copperplate across the bottom, setting a secure foundation for the overstuffed, cloud-filled lettering above it, exuberant and dot-hyphenated - all surmounted by the hemisphere of the heavens, even with stars, bedad, each painstakingly depicted in all its twinkly glory by underappreciated hanger artisans laboring in underground hanger factories.... I won’t forget you, valiant hanger artist.  Mainly because this hanger rocks. Unless you put it away gently.  Ba-BAM!

image

This is the final hanger in my collection.  All the remaining ones are boring-ass blankfaced wood or skinny-ass undifferentiated wire.  But this one, though it contains both wire and wood, is clearly different from all the others.  I purloined it from the abandoned cube of an ex-co-worker who retired some months back, leaving in his glad wake a variety of desk accouterments and one mother-old hanger.  This is the simplest design in my collection and actually is a bit hard on the clothes, but back when phone numbers had only two digits, maybe people were shaped a little differently.  It’s called evolution, folks. You can see the changes in the hangers as time went on; obviously this reflects our own physiogonomic evolution.  It’s all there in Lamarck.  Stop questioning me.

Oh, and one final note: more of my self-indulgent chanukah story is in the extended entry.  If you click through, the terrorists will be 25% less likely to win within the next month.  Don’t tempt fate. 

that's just the way it seems to me at 07:09 AM
Listing abaft • (1) Comments closedPermalinkPrint


Wednesday, December 02, 2009

My Little Sack of Ravings - plus Hippodrome Part Tew

You know what’s a lot easier than writing things?  Having other people write them.  Typically I’d be ashamed - yes, I can feel shame, technically - to use someone else’s words when I have so many of my own.  But then I remember that I lost my freaking notebook, people, and that had all kinds of writing in it, if you limit it yourself to the hebephrenic clawscrabble which honestly is all that I had in it writing-wise.  Regardless - regardless! - I remain so distraught by this obvious conspiracy to deprive me of things I thoughtlessly discard in my wake, that I am prepared to let a guest writer take the helm for a trip (or tripe, as I originally typed it) around Chucklehut Acres.  Just so long as that guest is providing essentially the same hebephrenic clawscrabble I wound up losing in the first place.  Which is not, I think, going to be a problem today.

I’ll give you clues to our mystery writer, and maybe you can guess who she is.  Fun-citing, huh?  Huh?  Huh?  Huh? 

Right, Fun-citing.  So here’s clue #1: It’s probably a woman.  Dammit did I give it away?  Not yet?  Let me try harder with a few more clues:
#2: Probably-she re-uses before she recycles.
#3: Probably-she smokes, apparently a variety of cigarette brands.
#4: Probably-she is probably Jewish, and not just nominally but “Gevalt mein Kreplach” Jewish. 
#5: Probably-she may be just a tad psychotic.  Just a tad, mind you. 

If you can guess my guest blogger from that description, you just go tell her to log on and surf on over hereabouts and drop me a line.  I found her “Cosmed” bag - the one with the stylized orange woodpecker design and the pinyin subtext, just the right size for toting a 40 on the bus? - The one she was apparently using as a combination ashtray-notepad?  - The one on which she memorialized the following… well, let’s call them “ideas”?: 

Talk is cheap.
Laughter hurts.
My Id will not produce scented tampons.

Moses has been told “go to hell” by the congregation.  Rework service next November (and remember to find a newspaper and memorize the date.)

1.  Obey thy GOD efran [?].
2.  The LORD thy God shall obey my punctuation.
3.  The Lord shall suffe [suffer?] .

(and continuing on the other side, upsidedown as if written Kerouac-style on a big old roll of paper: )

[seven musical notes on a musical staff; the word “trestle” -?- is written next to it]

I like singing sunshine songs! 
Mary killed my family.
Have a hearty holiday
and kiss my empty blessing

2.  Moses is not Santa Claus
for holly and the ivy
he must find in garbage cans
the crusts of bread suffering

3.  Save us father from thy jail
nails a son of Stephen
wind the ancient pentecost
around.

Shalom.

(and along the side of the bag:)

P.S. I apologize for
the effort made. 
Now everyone I
love is overly
“astonished.”

See, now that’s blogging.  And they say we need an ethics panel?  Harrumph, I say.  And also I say, thanks, disjointed probably-Jewish probably-lady.  That is some damn quality stuff you cranked out there, and I just went and found it on the sidewalk like it was a fifty dollar gold piece with an apple pie underneath it.  And aside from it actually being an old paper bag full of cigarette butts and covered in ballpoint scrawls, that’s pretty much what it was.  So I’m a winner both ways, excepting I seem to have misplaced my gold fifty-dollar pie.  Which is actually typical of me.

And for the young at heart and sturdy of tuchas, I’ve put the second installment of my chanukah story in the extended entry.  Click through.  What, were you born in a barn? 

that's just the way it seems to me at 11:21 PM
playing with words • (1) Comments closedPermalinkPrint