Monday, October 23, 2006

Amazing Race: Still Racy, if Marginally Less Amazing

First, I sat down to watch this episode with some fresh tapioca pudding.  All televisions should come with a pudding dispenser because it makes all programming so much more creamy and delicious. 

Channai – Gateway to South India!  (Unless you’re traveling north, in which case it’s the gateway to lower east-central India.

Girls, I hate to break it to ya, but some weird dudes out there probably wouldn’t mind being beaten by a couple of blonde girls.  In fact, they’d pay good money for it, but you might want to have those bills steam-cleaned before you touch them….

Peter – great use of the “medical emergency” line!  When you want to get ahead of people, your girlfriend is a cripple!  When it’s time for physical exertion, she’s your monkey!  How can you keep track of which one she is at any moment?  You must be very clever! 

James and Tyler are so bitchy when they realize everyone caught up with them.  Did you catch that petulant sweater-toss?  OH SNAP.  One more reason you never want to get a male model mad. 

Mumbai was not “formerly known as” Bombay.  It was formerly mispronounced as Bombay.  It ain’t like they pulled a Prince and just made up a new name for saag paneer and giggles. 

Now here’s a brainteaser: How’d the barbies get the pilot of that big long thick airplane to help them out?  You don’t get to be a beauty queen without knowing how to work your resources.

It’s fun to watch the Cho boys slowly getting ill up on the tower.  With each passing second the color drains from their faces.

Did Peter just tell Sarah to climb for him?  WHY DOES SHE LET HIM SIT ON HIS ASS AND SMIRK ALL DAY?  This man needs to take control of a challenge and then screw it up.  I can’t wait to see it happen.

Instructions for getting to the 6th Ring Road: “Go past the 5th ring road.” Yeah if I was Frodo these instructions might be helpful.  In the mid-east maze, I don’t think it’s as simple as it sounds. 

Oh boy the Choboys are going to take a bullet for their friends the minerfolk.  Ouch.  This has all the hallmarks of a “famous last ethical stand.” Let’s see if the television gods take mercy on them for being nice guys. 

Yeah, Mrs Minerman, Steve Segal will want you for his next movie.  He’ll cast you as the “lumpish harridan.” But just be ready: straight to video isn’t as glamorous as it used to be.

Yeah Kim - mosque, mask, whatever.  Those people have nothing to do with you anyway so why worry about their silly traditions? 

Karmic payback!  Chos get police escort and sirens!  It’s a nerd emergency!  The dorks are riding high! 

James and Tyler once again prove that being pretty makes everything easier.  And then, “we’ll stick with our muscles – OWCH.” He smashes his head on the car door.  THIS IS REAL ENTERTAINMENT, PEOPLES!  You can’t write stuff like that! 

I can’t believe that Peter chose a non-physical task for this detour.  He must be getting tired of sitting on his smug ass and watching his monkey climb stuff for him. 

Which male model was it who got the instructions wrong?  It wasn’t “malalala-lalala,” it was “Eat petrochemical death, perfect infidel!” But either way gets them to about the same place… lost in Kuweit. 

Miners win the race.  They are going to Negril?  I’ve been to Negril.  It’ll either scare the hell out of them or they will move there and start a mountain reggae band.  Either way, that vacation will deserve its own reality show.

AUGH!  My feed is scrambling.  I’m missing a lot! 

Peter is chewing out Sarah for reading the map wrong.  Let’s see him show her how it’s done.  For once, he has a chance to redeem himself for being so damned self-satisfied.  If there’s any justice, he’ll blow it worse than she did. 

Terry and Peter are so late but still make it in on time… I’m sure they’re gonna kiss when they make it to the mat, but maybe they’ll save it for the privacy of their pit stop.

Meanwhile Peter and Sarah are so freaking lost it’s pathetic.  They’re going backwards.  I think they’ll wind up back in Vietnam if they keep going.  Peter was going to show us how to read a map.  He’s showing us how to get to the challenge so late that they don’t even have to compete there.  A whole new level of pathetic.  Can’t blame this one on your monkey, can ya, smartyboots? 

Way to go, Sarah.  My feed is all sketchy and scrambly but I’m seeing that you are not cutting the weinerman any slack.  He’s saying you’re both too competitive?  That’s not what she says the problem is: you’re just not kind.  And she’s being very kind to put it that way.  As you walk away from the camera after your Philimination, there’s a lot of airspace between you – and the psychic wall she’s put up to keep you out of her life is almost tangible. 

Next time: looks like it might be fun.  I don’t recall what happens.  Guess I’ll just have to tune in, if I can.  I’ll be on the road, but I do have my priorities.  Meantime, to coin a phrase: Chuckles out. 

ADDENDUM: How could I forget VOICE-ACTIVATED R-C CAMELWHACKERS?  Auto-whipping - the mid-east way!  I’m sorry for every team that chose to fill sacks with foodpellets.  Autowhipping is the wave of the future - catch it!