Monday, June 02, 2003

At the big fancy movie

At the big fancy movie theater I visited yesterday they have named some of their meal packages.  For example, a sweaty florid hot dog and a watery fountain soda is called the “Producer’s Pick.” Because they can’t call it what a producer would call it - “inedibly barfacious.” A cardboard box full of tired, chewy disks of fried cornmeal becomes “nachos” when a small firkin of rank orange goo is added to one side and a handful of spent and tired jalapeno rounds are desultorily scattered across the top.  Then, to this “nachos,” you add another medium-sized cup of cola-from-concentrate, brimming with refreshing carbon dioxide and nutritious ice, and the whole package becomes a “Cinema Snack.” You know, just like they eat in Cannes. 

If there were a theater that served really decent food and beverages, they could easily charge a couple of extra dollars for a ticket.  It would be worth it to me to have a nice Steak au Poive with an insoucient cabernet, a port-poached apple for dessert, and maybe a quick backrub before the coming attractions.  I’m a reasonable man.  Which is to say, I’ll cook the steak and apples if someone wants to come over to give me my backrub.  I get to pick the movie, though.  And for gods sake don’t bring any nachos.  There are starving frenchmen who need them.