Friday, February 27, 2004

Atto Boy!

Time flies when you slice it thin enough.  I heard on the radio yesterday that physicists at the good ol’ UK National Physics Lab (Go, BritNerds!) have started tracking the movement of sub-atomic doodads (okay, electrons), measuring the time in which they react to bombardment by x-rays.  This has, in turn, obliged them to devise the attosecond - one quintillionth of a second, or ten to the power of minus 18 - making their old standard, the femtosecond (ten to the power of minus 15), the physics equivalent of a segway scooter on a formula one racetrack, or a big fat guy in a little Italian bathing suit.  Or a big fat guy in a little Italian bathing suit on a segway at a formula one racetrack.  Yeah, let’s go with that one. 

Never let it be said that I’m not on the forefront of physics research.  Really, I’ll kick your ass in a femtosecond.  (See how this stuff comes all natural-like to me?) Cogitating on these developments (which I listened to with a demi-ear as I did yoga while the radio played in the background), I decided to do my own theoretical research in my lab, known to locals as the Greater Electron Attoscopic ResYrch 38L (or the Geary 38 Limited).  In the course of my work, the following obvious sub-divisions of time presented themselves to me in orderly and obvious fashion.  I now offer them to the scientific community so they can be used to measure cool stuff and take weird colorful photographs. 

I will recognize ab initio the valuable contribution of Rich Hall, whose sniglet “ignosecond: the duration of time required to realize, after closing the locked car door, that the key is in the ignition,” will live forever in my embarassed memory.  And that’s all I’m saying about that.

* Dorkosecond: the duration of time required to make a total ass of yourself.
* Munisecond: the duration of time required to realize you missed your stop and start freaking out to the busdriver.
* Pradasecond: the duration of time required for that little purse to go out of style.
* Gaposecond: the duration of time required to realize your clothes have fallen open and you’re flashing the guy across the bus from you.
* Gapeosecond: the duration of time permitted for checking out the inadvertent flasher across the bus aisle from you before she covers herself up.
* Briscosecond: the duration of time required to get sucked into another damned syndicated episode of Law and Order.
* Bloggosecond: the duration of time spent visiting random on-line journals when you figured you’d just quickly check email and then log off again.
* Winceosecond: the duration of time elapsing between doing something you know is going to hurt, and actually feeling the pain.
* Stankosecond: (similar to winceosecond) the duration of time elapsing between becoming aware of something that will surely have an unpleasant odor, and actually smelling it.
* Chuggosecond: the duration of time elapsing between being ordered to “consume” and slamming the empty glass back down on the tabletop.
* Barfosecond: the duration of time elapsing between becoming aware that reverse peristalsis is imminent, and actual emesis. 
* Wankosecond: (research is inconclusive but ongoing)

I think if I went any farther the professionals in the field would start to get resentful, so I’ll leave it at this.  Physicists can be so catty sometimes.