Friday, July 14, 2006

Booty Restoration Project: 10 Movies for the Heartland

My experience with stolen goods (see below) notwithstanding, I’m a bit taken aback by the current fascination with piracy.  Pirates aren’t cute girlymen with kohl’d eyes and warm hearts; they are bloodthirsty villians who perform depradations so depraved that I can’t think of a good D word to describe how I feel about them.  Disney got it wrong.  The Indian Ocean is plagued even today with immoral men who use fast, light gunboats to take over tankers and cruise ships.  They don’t deserve a ride at the themepark, much less a big-budget trilogy with Johnny Depp trying to out-Tyler Durden Orlando “Kiss Me You Fool” Bloom.  Also, the Carribean has had enough trouble for a while, I think.  Hurricanes, Puerto Rican succession movements, Elian.... give them a break already.  Don’t kick an archipelago when it’s down.  I, for one, am outraged.  And for once, I’m gonna do something about it.

Hollywood, listen up. This isn’t like the time I kept drunk-dialing you at 4 am to ask where my clothes were - this time, I’m calling to help you out.  Amurka doesn’t need more movies glorifying a bunch of androgyno-erotic eevildoers.  We need to take a step back from the edge of the plank here and think up some films that can satisfy the national hunger for depictions of anti-social behavior, but don’t actually encouage our tender youth to pull up stakes, buckle their swashes, and start violating people’s most sacred personal liberties and property rights.  I’m not saying movies all have to be about the meet-up between the Dragon Tails and the My Little Ponies (though I think there’s a porno waiting to be developed there) - we can still have films that push the boundries of approved civilized behavior without going quite as far as discharging firearms into crowds of innocent pirates.  Let’s let “booty” mean what it meant in the 1970s, not the 1870s.  Anyway, let’s try.

And I understand, Hollywood, that sometimes it’s hard to think of new ideas for movies.  That’s why every ride in Disneyland with the exception of the Matterhorn has been turned into a movie, or is based on one.  (The Eiger Sanction doesn’t count, unless they’ve put a tiny George Kennedy face on those adorable Yeti dolls.) So I’m here, as the man says, to take the pressure off.  Here are some less-offensive offenses that can be made into hugely profitable blockbusting movies, plus the locations that will allow you to rack up huge travel budgets to transport audiences to exotic lands where such behaviors are imaginable.  Pirates in the Carribean?  Done to death, and politically incorrect.  But how about:

* Jaywalkers of the Tenderloin
* Loud Cell-Phone Talkers of the Sargasso
* Line-cutters of the Olduvai
* Spoliators of the Pine Barrens
* Guys-Who-Pretend-to-Find-Fingers-In-Their-Food of the Banlieu
* Meter-Feeders of Hoth
* Ding-Dong-Ditchers of the Van Allen Belt
* X-Mas-Decoration-Leaver-Uppers of the Outer Hebrides
* Toilet Paper Non-Replacers of the I-80 Corridor
* Drunk-In-Public-ers of the Back 40

You’re very welcome, Hollywood.  Next time I’ll expect a muffin basket.  You know what I mean.