Wednesday, August 20, 2003

Dates that will Live in Infamy

It seems that a few words of advice are in order.  I keep on encountering information on what not to do on a first date.  “Don’t talk about other women.” “Don’t show up with other women.” “Don’t emulate other women.” There are many sources for this kind of advice, each one unflinching and accurate and less than actually helpful.  Because, as all us oafish manly sorts are all too well aware, there is a nigh-infinite number of ways to make a bad impression on a first date.  A boy could read all the “What Not To Do” lists and still humiliate himself and infuriate his date - because he’s an inventive, adaptive, creative little nimrod who is constititionally predisposed to finding new and utterly unanticipated ways to give a first date its last rites. 

What guys need is not another “Do Not Do” list.  We need a “Do This, Dummy” list - a list of things that are guaran-damn-teed to impress a date.  And not in the typical “you’re changing my attitude towards nonviolence” way.  So to get the ball rolling - I’m all about rolling balls, if you hadn’t noticed - here’s a few things that never failed to work for me.  Note: This is because I never tried them.  Dating history since high school: One date.  Still married.

* Dress up as your favorite superhero or wizard.  It will let the little boy in you come out to play, and at the same time will evoke images of strength, power, and either a crisply-defined and massive physique, or a commanding gaze and a long thick mysterious staff.  Either way, you look good, buddy!

* Before the date, pop a gummy bear in your mouth and swirl it around for a few seconds, until it is slick.  Then press it to your lapel or shirt - it will stick there until you nonchalantly pluck it off and eat it in the midst of conversation.  A showstopper!

* Get matching hats for the date and wear them together.  Try not to get anything too flamboyant, like a crown or a viking hat, because she might feel self-conscious - some women get that way.  I’d suggest a small sombrero or the nylon hats that truckers wear, perhaps with a wry motto like “Buck Fever” or a picture of Calvin peeing on something or praying.  The important thing is, you match.  And that tells her you’re not commitment-phobic.  Plus, you’re fun!

* Bring a monkey.  Everybody likes monkeys.  However: use only a monkey that is wearing a diaper.  Poo-flinging has ruined more than one promising relationship on the first date.  And it doesn’t seem to matter whose poo is being flung.

* Take her to a baseball game and beat up an umpire for her.  Or, think outside the box: the baseline coaches are also fitting foils upon which you can demonstrate your virility.  In a pinch, take a swipe at a basketball referee, but those guys are pretty wiry.  It could even be a ballboy at a major tennis tournament.  It doesn’t matter who you take out - just show her you’re 100% man.  You can be her GI Joe, with or without kung fu grip!

* If you have to mention other women, dwell on their imperfections.  Words like “moody,” “indecisive,” “castrating” and “clinging” will show that you have no continuing attachment to those stunning, voluptuous, nubile bitches. 

* Call her up afterwards and tell her you had a great time with her.  Suggest that you might see each other again.  And don’t play the waiting game, either - if she means something to you, step up and tell her.  She’ll appreciate it!  Once she’s home and safe, just use your cell phone from your car and give her a call or three that night.  If fact, if she’s got a cell phone too, you can make the call during the date itself, like in a movie theater or laserium.  Pure class. 

This is, of course, only a partial list, but let’s face it - you’re only going to get a partial date.  So stop complaining, use these hints, and embrace your future.  It’ll be the closest embrace you’ll be likely to enjoy for a while.