Sunday, April 18, 2010

Essen, Essen: A Salad You Can Enjoy Without Feeling Too Healthy - Plus, Substance Abuse Schedule!

Let’s start with something useful: a return to the recipe corner, because who else is going to take care of your sorry butt?  I made a supper last night that deserves to be reiterated and enjoyed worldwide, but it looks like the best I’ll be able to do about that is to brag about it here.  SO: Assuming you have rice, lentils, pork tenderloin, a nice piece sausage, a tomato, an orange pepper, a potato(e), and a bit of the old cumin to spare, I URGE YOU THUSLY:

Fry about a cup and a half of white rice in olive oil on medium-high heat, till it gets golden and starts to feel a bit crunchy.  Remove from heat, add a cup of cooked lentils, mix well, and set aside.  Grab that chunk of pork tenderloin that was left over from dinner two nights ago (you’ll need to start this the day before yesterday, maybe I should have told you that first) and dice it into small cubes.  Do the same with a sausage, but fry the cubes on high heat till they’re a bit crusty.  (If you’re starting with raw sausage, or ‘rawsage’, cook it up first and then dice it.  Don’t just extrude the filling.  Life is too short already, to say nothing of being too extruded.) Add the meat to the rice and lentils.  Dice a tomato(e) and cut up half an orange pepper into slightly larger cubes than the meat; toss them in as well.  Finally, dice the potato(oe) into small cubes and fry it on high heat till crunchy and delightful (use a high-tolerance oil like grapeseed that doesn’t burn quickly); drain off the oil, let the taters cool, and crumble them over the other ingredients so the individual cubes are separate.  Season with salt, pepper, and about a teaspoon or so of cumin (to taste), toss thoroughly, serve cold, and scarf with abandon (see, eg, Isadora Duncan Surprise).  This stuff was great and really cleaned out our leftovers.  America: what a country.

Meantime, it’s now almost April 20, which is the calendrical analogue for 4:20, which is in turn the now-widely-recognized colloquialism for the ingestion of certain herbal products for which my golden state is renowned.  With regard to which, and in honor of 4/20, I offer the following NON-CANNABANOID SUBSTANCE ABUSE SCHEDULE:

6:00 (am) - PBR (dew-chilled cans)
7:20 (am, pm) - lactaid
10:45 (am, pm) - oxycodone
13:10 - blow
5:4 - ritalin
2:30 (pm) - nitrous
NOW - smack
now - methadone
Two dinks past the blerb - more mushrooms
1:11:11:11:11 - meth
2:15, 2:40, 3:10, 3:30, 3:40, 4:00, 4:15, and repeat - crack
8:15 pm - X
10:50 pm - viagra
stroke of midnight - roofies
8:45 am - Plan B

Now I guess we all know what we’re doing, and when.  Coming up later: more crap from dan.  Don’t miss it!