Monday, April 19, 2004

Even Losers can be Weiners

I just got a disturbing email.  It begins, “I’m a web master, and I was just searching Google for suitcase weiner. I found your domain, chucklehut.thalysman.com ranked 4, which is pretty cool.” She goes on to suggest that we should trade links, she won’t steal my business, and I think there was something in there about a candlelit dinner on an elephant howdah.  I may have actually been hallucinating during that portion of the email, but let’s concentrate on the key issue: I was searching google for suitcase weiner and the Chucklehut is ranked #4 - which is pretty cool.

Okay lady, you were googling “suitcase weiner?” Right away I form questionable impressions of you.  Everyone knows weiners are carry-ons.  It’s also worth mentioning that I have never used the phrase “suitcase weiner” until today.  Not even on a dare.  Why google associates me with this linguistic and anatomical aberration, I cannot say.  But now that I’m in the game, I intend to win it, goddamn it. 

So, you were looking for a “suitcase weiner” and google listed the ‘hut as #4, eh?  I’m assuming there were more than four options, and that you checked 1 through 3 first.  I think the point here is, I was out of medal contention, and now you’re saying “that’s cool.” Well it’s not cool, it totally sucks.  I may not know much about “suitcase weiner,” or if I do I’m not saying, but being number 4 is about as cool as discovering a big yogurt stain on my crotch after making a lengthy stand-up presentation to a roomful of my mother’s friends.  Four is an inherently weak and shifty number and I’ll thank you not to remind me of it.  However, in the interest of moving on with my life, I would like to think that, after this post, the Chucklehut will be Number One in Suitcase Weiners henceforward. 

I will, however, mention that for a while I wanted to name my band (which does not exist) the Weiner Boys; our first album would be “Weiner Takes All.” The whole weiner concept was altered for me by Elvis Costello in “Straight to Hell.” So I’m not feeling emasculated by the weiner references.  I’m just kind of hoping that the suitcase is one of those hardsided ones.