Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Eww… Jesus Doo

Once again I take my cue from he who exceeds me in wisdom, snarkitude, and site hits (although I do have a +5 for seekers of classic cereal boxes or nunchuck butts).  Mr. A’Plenty has written thoughtfully and insightfully (or even incitefully) of what, in the event of his appearance among us, Jesus would actually do, regardless of the myriad lanyards, bumper stickers, and self-rightous talk radio callers who, by posing the question rhetorically, imply that they actually know the answer. 

Well, what would Jesus do?  I suppose the first answer, drawing from the classic story told of Abraham Lincoln, would be “scratch desperately at the inside of his coffin.” However, assuming his assumption and all that that entails, and after a suitable period of Vegas-style “I’m not dead” frolicking, I do think there are a few things in our world today that Jesus might just undertake – and for each one, an antithesis which he would spurn like a waif spurns cheesesteak.  (Which Jesus would totally eat, assuming sustainable harvesting practices, an amoroso roll and sweet-n-hot peppers.  He’s holy, not stupid.)

I have given these matters all the serious thought that they merit.  That is to say, I played mental ping pong with this idea while riding home on the bus until I remembered that I’d brought my sudoku book.  I have memorialized the results of my cogitations, and now I foist them on you.  Ignore them if you wish, but remember: if Jesus shows up, wouldn’t you want to know what he’s up to? 

Jesus would/ wouldn’t:
Bring home ice cream / finish all the goddamn ice cream
Yoga / Bowflex
Tour / Sell tour shirts
Tivo / Wii
Blog / Mass-forward graphic-heavy e-mails “that will make you smile”
Vote regularly / Invade anybody
File share / spam
Shop organic / take my sandwich from the breakroom fridge even though I clearly wrote my name on it
Use turn signals / Install spinners and hitchballs
Speak Aramaic / Speak Latin
Share a powerful message of personal potential / Make lists