Tuesday, April 04, 2006

For Those About to Explode, We Salute You

It’s entirely likely that a phone is within arms reach of you as you read this very blog post.  And that means that, conceivably, you might find yourself speaking at any moment with a bomb-stowing maniac.  Someone, you know, who’s surruptitiously secreted an explosive device in your building.  And who has obtained your phone number, and chosen to contact you to advise you of the imminent threat of being blown up.  Apparently these guys are all about the advance phone warning.  The likelihood, in fact, of receiving a telephone call from a mad bomber (what bombs at midnight) is considered by my employer, for one, to be so acute, that every telephone in my building comes with a 3 inch by 10 inch reference card, with the title “Bomb Threat Report Form” at the top and “BOMB THREAT” printed in large letters across the bottom.  The card is white, and is printed with cheerful red ink. 

The Bomb Threat Report Form is invaluable in establishing a degree of national paranoia so intense that all right-thinking people will be trapped in a miasma of fear, unable to antagonize those who wish to do us harm.  It’s the new millennium version of a bomb shelter – not really likely to do much for you, just there to make sure you’re good and freaked out.  And just in case you turned your shelter into a rum-pus room in reckless disregard of the threat of global thermonuclear war, and in so doing, you lost your goddamn Bomb Threat Report Form, I’ve transcribed it pretty much verbatim right hereinbelow.  Remember, bomb threats reported on non-conforming Bomb Threat Report Forms will be returned for correction until such time as the threat, or the building, no longer exists. 

Questions to Ask:
1.  When is bomb going to explode?
2.  Where is it right now?
3.  What does it look like?
4.  What kind of bomb is it?
5.  What will cause it to explode? (hint: don’t tell it you fogot to TiVo “Survivor”)
6.  Did you place the bomb?
7.  Why? (you may want to get a fresh cup of coffee for this one)
8.  What is your address?  (surprisingly unsuccessful inquiry)
9.  What is your name? (try to trick this out of the threat maker by suggesting he may have won a prize but you need to confirm his name and address.  You may need to provide the threat maker with one of your own prizes as bait.)

Exact wording of threat: (attach extra sheets if necessary; bonus points for creative use of multi-media)

Sex of caller: (orientation is not so much an issue at this point.  You’re not dating, you’re just trying not to explode.)
Race: (a tricky one.  How can you tell?  “You sound Asian.  Are you Asian?  Maybe Kashmiri?  I’m just guessing here…. Give me a hint.  Let me hear you say ‘Hasselhoff.’”)
Age: (again, a challenge.  “Hey, trivia question, Mr. Bombs-a-lot: Did you ever watch the original Speed Racer on tv?  Or was that sort of before your time?  How about Thundercats?  What’s the zipcode for ZOOM?”)
Length of call: (42 short, with cuffs)

Caller’s voice (select all that apply):
Calm / Angry / Excited / Slow / Rapid / Soft / Loud / Laughter / Crying / Normal / Distinct / Slurred / Nasal / Stutter / Lisp / Raspy / Deep / Ragged / Clearing Throat / Deep Breathing / Cracking Voice / Disguised (a tricky one.  How do you know it’s a disguise?  “He was clearing his throat and stuttering, but I think he was just putting us on so we wouldn’t notice his angry, excited lisp.”) / Accent (or Mrs Dash) / Familiar (if voice is familiar, who did it sound like: select all that apply – “that guy” / dude from Fraiser / Dude from Survivor / Michael Douglass / Michael Jordan / Michael Jackson / Jan Michael Vincent / Not much like a Michael)

Background Sounds (select all that apply):
Street noises / Crockery (I am not making this up) / Voices / PA system / Music / House Noises / House Music (okay I made that one up) / Motor / Office Machinery / Factory Machinery / Bullwhip and Kettledrum (that one too) / Animal Noises / Pet Sounds (me again) / Clear / Static / Local / Long Distance / Booth / Other

Threat Language:
Well spoken - educated / Foul / Irrational / Incoherent (though apparently not necessarily irrational) / Taped (as if before a live studio audience) / Message read by threat maker (as opposed to threat maker just rubbing a piece of paper with the threat written on it against the telephone)

So print this out and keep it by your telephone.  If you can get your caller to answer all these questions, you’ll probably still be in the building when it blows up.  Let me know how that works for you.  You may need to leave me a message though – I’ve taken to screening most of my calls anyway.  There’s a lot of wackos out there with dialing privileges.