Thursday, April 29, 2010
Impossible Answers: Chuq Settles the Universe’s Hash
It’s time to shake things (or “thangs") up a little bit. It occurred to me, as I was lately answering a few questions for which there was NO ANSWER UNDER HEAVEN, that I am a god-damned genius. And not even in the obvious ways that you are all so sick of hearing about, but in a very special and unusual way. And not in the special and unusual way you’re thinking of now, although yes, I am a god-damned genius in that way too, but we’re not going there right now you randy devil. The thing is, I know answers for questions that are literally unanswerable. And if that’s not a gift that sets me apart from other men as an earwig among termites, then you have not hung out with enough termites. So unless you want me to send you a whole crate full of termites and an earwig for comparative purposes, just agree with me already. It’s easier for all of us.
The point is, I can answer questions for. which. there. is. no. answer. YES. I intend to provide such answers here at the Chucklehut, on an occasional basis. And the first such occasion is: Now.
But let’s take a moment first and recognize what this means. I’m not talking about questions that don’t relate to anything specific enough to be answered, like “what’s that thing that does that stuff but isn’t so totally like you know what I mean?” This is not a question. It’s a symptom of a mind that is struggling for coherence in the midst of stultifying cultural deadening. It is not to be answered, but to be pitied. With a baseball bat, if you can reach one.
Also not to be addressed in this forum are questions of such a personal nature that the answer will necessarily be different for every asker. “Should I ask out that hot bathroom attendant?” “What’s wrong with my fuel injector?” “Why does my personal zone get so inflamed?” Although the bathroom attendant mentioned to me that you should stop staring at him/her while doing your business, it’s disconcerting. And tends to be messy, too. You’re not scoring any points that way, Mr./Ms Carstalling Swollenpubes.
Finally, some questions are not unanswerable, you just don’t know the answer. “How much wood would a woodchuck [etc]?” Get yourself a damn woodchuck and a cord of wood and find out, you lazy cove. “What’s the fastest way up Everest?” ROCKETSKIS. Jeez. “Why are you so amazingly brilliant?” I know; you don’t; that’s how it’s gonna stay. Really, you shouldn’t need me to spell these things out for you.
A truly unanswserable question is one that has a foundation in hard facts or science, and is by its nature a conundrum or contains a logical inconsistency that makes typical “thinkers” get all weeny and whiney. “I can’t imagine a rock God can’t move.” “How can anything go faster than the fastest thing in the universe?” “Our brains aren’t built to visualize more than four dimensions at once.” Maybe your brain isn’t, you sorry piece of work, but mine is. These questions are my stock in trade, and the trading floor is open.
Dear Chuq: What is the square root of -1?
Oh dear me (for indeed I wrote this to myself), what a challenging question - FOR OTHER PEOPLE. When you are me, as I am more often than not, it’s really a simple matter of applying both rigorous analytic theory and the kind of transitive brilliance that got me to use hair conditioner as shaving lotion, or to make beautiful childrens toys out of worthless kruggerands. Let’s take a moment and answer this question, which has, you’ll admit, stumped the math chumps for longer than they should admit without shame. Shameful math chumps! Look and learn, already!
Okay, the square root of negative one: that’s the number that, multiplied by itself, is equal to negative one. And what is negative one? It is the opposite of the loneliest number (T.D.Night, 1969; Nilsson, 1967). So, what is the opposite of the loneliest number? The best-accompanied number, obviously. What is the best-accompanied number? After forty-freaking-six years of incessant, ear-wrenching research, I’ve determined that the single best-accompanied number is the version of “Coconuts” where the Dirty Dozen Brass Band backs up Widespread Panic. Dude, it totally rocks, in that crazy calypso-meets-nascar way that you love so good. It’s like, Naslypso. Or Calcar, but that sounds more like a floor cleaner or something you scrape off teeth, so let’s go with the first one. But more importantly, let’s not get distracted. The best-accompanied number is “Coconuts,” from Another Joyous Occasion, released in 2000. Don’t act like you know better, you smug thug. So, what’s the square root of a coconut? A cubic tuber. Tuber, because the roots are tube-y, and cubic, for the squareness. This is simple musicobotany. (up yours, spellcheck.) Some say that coconuts are cursed with a relatively small root ball, but if you say so around one you’ll just embarrass it. Let’s leave such emasculating comparisons out of the picture for now. A cubic tuber is the square root of negative one.
Next question?